Wednesday, January 5, 2011

An answered prayer....or was it?

I know I kinda left ya hanging yesterday.  Yes our prayer was answered.  We were expecting, not one but two little ones.  We were PUMPED to say the least.  We had decided to do our nursery in the Winnie the Pooh theme and it was all painted already with the most wonderful shade of yellow.  I started to plan.  It was the most fun I had ever had in my life.  Fortunately, I was feeling fantastic and was forging ahead at full steam.  There was this little, tiny, miniscule voice inside me saying, whoa girl, slow it down.  It is early.  I was about 5 weeks pregnant and very tired, and I started sleeping all the time.  Christmas 1998 was was a new year (1999) and we were gonna celebrate a fresh new beginning toward building our family.  At the 6th week mark, I felt a little cramping....
Journal entry dated January 5,1999 - Long time since I journaled. Christmas was great.  New Years was fun.  We had some really good times.  Unfortunately, yesterday....we lost our pregnancy.  We had a terrible time of it.  Thank you God for the blessing of strength and for a calm, cool and collected husband.  He was awesome.  I had never experienced such emotional and physical pain simultanously.  I could see the pain in Jerry's eyes because he couldn't do anything but comfort me. I have been pretty strong, but the dam is starting to crack.  I cried the night it was happening, but that was mostly fear.  Since we went to the doctor to confirm the miscarriage, I haven't allowed myself to feel the emotional pain.  I know that I want to try again, and Jerry does too.  It didn't scare us off, but we will have to regroup.  I won't let the fear of failing prevent us from carrying on to our dream of having our own child.  It will take great strength to move forward and that, we will get from God and our love for one another.
Through all of this, I forgot to mention this silly little cocker spaniel that adored me in this story.  Her name is Lucy and she was my little rock of comfort.  Jerry and I got her about a year into our marriage and since he traveled so much, she was my little companion in life.  If you have ever experienced the comfort that a pet family member can give, then you can understand what this little angel meant to me.  Unfortunately, she has since passed, but I will refer to her throughout my blog very lovingly.

Lucy Flower
I've added a page with favorite poems and quotes that have touched my heart.  I hope you enjoy them.

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