Thursday, January 6, 2011

Babies, Babies, Babies

Jerry and I, even though we were sad, we planned to "pick up our ball and get back in the game", so to speak.  Neither of us have ever been one to back down from a challenge....but this challenge would be mixed with a lot of emotion.  All in all, our outlook was good.
Journal entry dated January 14, 1999 - I fear that I will never experience that joy.  You know the joy you see on a mothers face on those "Baby Stories" shows on TLC.  When the nurse puts the baby on your tummy and you see your little angel FOR THE FIRST TIME.  Will we be that BLESSED???  I am hopeful, but guarded.  I am good at that  whole "guarded" thing.  Too good, I would say.  "Suck it up", is what that little voice inside me says.  Never let anyone see you......down.  All I want it to be a good mother.  Boy, girl, I don't care, just a good, old fashioned mother.  Its funny, but lately, everywhere I look, its Babies, Babies, Babies.  Tv, magazines, casual conversation.  Was it always there?  Maybe I just didn't notice, because it wasn't the primary thing on my plate?  I can't get away from it. I don't really want to get away from it, but boy does it hurt.
We decided to head into the 2nd try at ICSI.  March 1st will be when we start the process.  We were a little stressed about money and how to pay for another procedure, fortunately it was tax time and that little return was going to be the ticket.  Oh, and in the middle of all of this, my husband decided to go back school to get him masters degree. 
Journal entry dated April 15, 1999 - Long time since writing. A lot has gone on.  Blood test, ultrasounds, waiting, timing the cycles, waiting and all of a sudden it is April.  I am ready to get going on this.  The doctors told us that we could do this procedure up to 3 times, but I am pretty sure that if this one doesn't work, I will be moving on to other options.  Its funny, but as you go through all of this, you become more open to things that you were not open to when you first started.  You evolve.

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