Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Control Freak

I thought that I would share a little with you about my faith.  I am christian.  I became a christian in my 27th year on this planet after a very difficult time in my life.  I had been raised christian, but truly accepted Christ as my own personal savior that year.  For the most part, I lean on God and leave my worries at his feet and let him guide me.  Occasionally, I pick them right back up and think that I can do it myself.  Then, I put them back down there, again.  This I struggle with because, I can be a bit of a control FREAK.  God knows this about me.  He taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that I am doing "it" again.  I must give God a lot of credit for getting me through my years of infertility.  There is this part of you that feels broken or incomplete when you can't just "have a baby" when you want to.  I used to get so mad inside when I would hear women talk about how horrible it was to be pregnant and that they just wanted it OVER.  Really??? I would have swapped places with them in a flash. Morning sickness, getting fat, swollen feet.....all of it.  To me the process of making a baby was still such a miracle.  Many people forget that it is truly a miracle.  Anyways, during the process of signing up for adoption and getting everything all in order, I was starting to feel like my thoughts were drifting back to the desire to experience pregnancy.  I realized that I had been in denial.  In my mind, I felt that I was "over" that stuff.  In my heart, there was a part on me still clinging to the possibility that it could still happen.....someday.  All of this was brought on by the reality that we haven't actually been "Approved" to adopt yet.  We still had another home study visit on the calendar and still didn't know where the money for all of this was going to come from.  Here we are at age 34 with a mortgage, two cars, some credit card debt and we just finished spending about $30,000 on infertility projects and now we needed to come up with more money for adoption.  I was feeling a little overwhelmed by it all.  Jerry kept saying, "we'll figure it out, don't worry".  Jerry is the eternal optimist in this relationship. His motto.....when things get tough....Go Golfing!  So we did.  In a weird way, he is right.  Golfing requires a lot of thought process, so it blocks out what is troubling your mind...for a few hours.  We golfed a LOT.  So, between God, Jerry and golf, I hope to make it through all of this baby stuff with a sound mind.

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