Thursday, January 13, 2011

Momentary Meltdown

Occasionally, throughout my years of infertility I would have what I called a "Momentary Meltdown".  These came when my emotional well being was in conflict with Jerry's theories about logical thinking and suppressing feelings.   Most of us women know that the two do not work well together.  How do they do that whole thing?  You  know....."not think about it".  Guys can push emotions down deep inside and bury them.  Me....I try, but it gets all mangled up with the "what if" thinking, and the "why" thinking. 

Journal entry dated October 26, 2000 - For a few days, my head has been focused on my body.....I was LATE.  At least 5 days late, so naturally, my thoughts have gone right to....what??? Yes.  Could I be pregnant???? My head knows better.  My heart is an IDIOT.  It falls for it every time.  Anyways, today "it" came and yes, again, I fell apart.  Jerry kept telling me.....you know that you are not, so don't think about it. Me SCREAMING!!!!!!! It is impossible to not go there...my heart wants it so bad.  Anyways, I cried and cried and cried today, and now I feel better and I think I will go bake a cake.....sounds funny, but baking makes me feel better.
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Journal entry dated October 27,2000 - Had our Halloween party last night.   All of our friends came out to Brighton.  They are awesome.  Most of them are not married or having kids yet, so they don't understand my pain, but they are so supportive and loving towards Jerry and I.  We are so lucky to have them all.  No meltdowns either.  Well, maybe one little mini meltdown during the evening, but I got over it.  Someone at the party was pregnant and I wasn't prepared. Add a little alcohol to an emotional volcano and you get eruption. All in all it was a good night.  Tomorrow, I have to pick 3 people who are not family members to write an essay about Jerry and I.  Kind of like a character reference.....probably should not pick people that we party with...LOL.    My mom and Jerry's mom wrote "Letters to the Birthmother", and both letters were amazing.  I think everyone should experience a letter like that from their parents.  The comfort of that unconditional love is such a blessing.  I have finished my "Dear Birthmother" letter too.
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Tomorrow, I will share a little of my "Dear Birthmother" letter.  The Birthmother letter goes into the scrapbook that the agency shows to expectant mothers who are considering adoption.

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