Monday, February 7, 2011

Baby and Me and the Road Back

Sitting in that room full of other patients, who were in the "same boat" as I, was surreal.  I was really here.  Who would have thought.  Not me.  I always prided myself on being STRONG.  Stronger than most.  I realize that stronger isn't always better.....just maybe more stubborn?  I've been called stubborn a time or two in my life.  The thing in my favor, was that I like to dig down deep and figure things out.  I am not the kind of person to make mistakes and repeat them.  I want to learn from them and grow as a person should.  What I would learn in these days in group therapy, is that depression has nothing to do with how strong you are or how well adjusted you think that you are.  It is not something that you can WILL away.  You can't "SNAP" out of it.  Believe it or not, some people think that you can JUST SNAP OUT of it.  Yep.  I am not kidding. I would also learn that,  the day I went to the ER was one of the hardest days of my life, but the hardest still lie ahead of me.  This experience would forever change me as a person, as a mother, as a wife....all for the better.  I learned to accept who I was and that I was good enough.  Good enough to be those kids mother.  Good enough to deserve all the blessings in my life and that I was capable of being what those two little boys needed.  I had put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect "everything" for Jacob and when Cameron came, I wasn't FINISHED with Jacob yet.  How could I possibly start all over with a fresh new baby when I was still "in training" with the first one.  Another thing that I discovered about myself in therapy, was that I was angry with our birthmother.  How could she not give me some warning?  Woman to woman, you know?  At the same time, I still felt all of those nice feeling about her.   I was filled with confusion.  Society isn't supportive of an adoptive mother feeling negatively about her adoption circumstances.  You are suppose to be grateful!! That is what the little voice in your head says to you over and over.  It would be years before I admitted feelings of anger towards our birthmother to anyone else.  I carried this anger deep down inside for a long time.

After group therapy, I slowly started to resume my motherly relationships with the kids.  I still went to see a therapist on my own for almost 2 years following this whole ordeal.    This therapist would help me discover so much about myself.  Some of it, you just can't believe is still inside of you.  For example.  When I was in high school, there was a girl, who got some kind of kick out of saying hurtful things to me to knock me down a peg or two.  Most of it, as a kid, you just suck up and move on, but one time, she cut me to the core and apparently, I did not get over it.  Believe it or not, it had an effect on my self esteem......years later!  I was shocked to figure this out.  It made me really look at myself and how I felt about me.  What does this have to do with being a mother?  Everything!!!  We are what we experience.  I guess my point is that we are all a work in progress and we need to be able to look inside of ourselves to find the answers and accept that we are not perfect and need to be humble enough to reach out for help.  My mom always said that "it takes a village" to raise a child.   Don't look the other way.  If you see someone struggling....extend yourself. 

Cameron and I would slowly build our relationship.  I won't lie.  It was difficult.  He sensed it and was affected by it....BUT...with therapy, a supportive family, and a strong desire from both Cameron and I, we would make it.  This little brown eyed, spiky haired little baby would teach me more about being a good person than anyone else that I have ever met.  He is an amazing little soul, with great passion for loved ones and a very tender heart.  He is the most compassionate little boy that you will ever meet.  He loves Jesus and he feels great respect for this crazy world of ours.  Cameron is currently 9 years old and you will be happy to know that he and I are VERY close. I will tell you that I am a fighter.    He is a fighter.   Cameron is a determined little boy.   He is my biggest fan and God help anyone who messes with his Momma.

As I sat in that room that day with all of those other patients, I stated my name and then sat quietly, thinking to myself, "How will I ever get back to being a good mother???"  It felt like a mountain to climb.  I climbed that mountain and I conquered that mountain! 

Mom and Cameron (7 months)

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