Thursday, February 3, 2011

Baby Cameron

And baby makes Four!!
Jerry, Amy, Jacob and Cameron
Well, as you can imagine, things kicked up a bit with the arrival of Baby Cameron.  We took him home from the hospital 3 days after he was born.  I must tell you that in those days before he came home, I was more scared than I had ever been.  I was not convinced that I could handle this.  He was so stinken cute and such a precious baby, but I did not really embrace all of it quite the same as when Jacob came into our lives.  There wasn't anyone I could tell that I wasn't ready for this.  When Cameron came I felt forced to accept the "wonderful-ness" of it all against my real fears of not being ready for a second child.  In most of the pictures taken of me in the first few months, I kinda looked like a deer in headlights.  No Kidding. In the first 2 months, I lost a lot of sleep between the two of them taking turns waking me all night.  I also came down with pneumonia.  If you have ever had pneumonia, you know that the cough alone is so frustrating.  So in 2 months, my world changed drastically and my body ws sick both physically and mentally.   Between my health and my fears, I felt anger at the lack of control over my life which fed resentments that stood in the way of me adjusting to the new babyPeople started asking me strange questions about how I was handling everything and I was quite defensive.  "I'm FINE", I would say.  I lied.  I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't handle it.  Especially Jerry, after all, this is what I wanted, right??  I felt depression creeping in, but at that time, I did not recognize it as depression, just unhappiness.  I had never been through depression before.  I had heard of Post Par tum Depression, but, didn't you have to deliver a baby to get that??? So, I just forged ahead and kept working on getting Cameron to sleep through the night, and then hoped that getting more sleep myself would straighten everything out.  Right?  Wrong.  About the time that Cameron was turning 3 months old, I was getting hopeless that I may never form that bond with Cameron like I developed with Jacob right away.  Sometimes, I wanted to pack Jacob up, get in the car and drive away and never look back.  My mom was getting very concerned, because, she could clearly see my lack of emotional attachment to the new baby.  Jerry was really confused, and not sure how to help me.  Friends were getting concerned as well.  One special friend sat me down and pulled me out of the denial that I was in.  Thank God, someone made me see that I need help.  That afternoon, I called my mom to come watch the babies, because I needed to go to the doctor to get some help.  I drove straight to the Emergency Room.

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