Friday, February 11, 2011

He's Ours Now

Journal entry dated September 30, 2002 -

Dear Cameron,
Today your adoption was finalized in the courts.  Everyone was there.  Mommy, Daddy, Jacob and all your Grandparents.  What a celebration.  You were an absolute angel.  What a great day.  I felt so much joy today knowing that all in final now.  You became my son in January and forever filled my heart, but now the world knows that you will always be my beautiful son.  I love how you look for me at all times when someone else is holding you.  I love when I come in your room each morning and you throw your arms out to me in delight at the sight of me.  I love how you look at me as if I am the greatest person who ever lived.  I love you so deeply that I feel lost when you are away from me!  Thank you for loving me so completely and unconditionally.  ~Love you, Mommy
***
At the point of this journal entry, I had made it through a lot of the tough healing.  I was back in charge and the boys were growing and keeping me very busy.  They were both such blessings, but I still had hard days.  It was and is the hardest job that I have ever had. They were only 13 months apart, so some days could be quite challenging.   Naturally, when Cameron came to us so abruptly, I developed some feelings of loss for my closeness with Jacob.  I felt like I was ripped away from him.  He definitely reacted to the change as well.  He had my 100% undivided attention one moment and the next, I was not only distracted, but soon became a completely different mommy.  It took me a while to realize, that Cameron and I were  not the only "victims" in this whole experience.  Jacob was affected as well.  The good thing is that what he gained by Cameron's arrival outweighed the negative.  The biological connection that they will have for life is invaluable.  I felt that it was truly amazing that these two little boys, were not only going to have a family to love them forever, but they would have a connection to their biological family.  Based on all my readings, it is my understanding that most adoptees long for this.  I must tell you that this comforted me, because I was nervous about the time when we would have to start talking to the boys about their adoption and their birth family. 


By the time that Cameron was two, we were doing pretty well with adjusting to all the changes.  I was managing the mountain of diapers in my life, synchronizing naps so that I might get a half hour of "me" time.  Much of the time, it never worked out.  Jerry and I were a good team.  He was so helpful.  We were enjoying all the "firsts" for everything.  During those years, I learned a lot about me.....like, I do not function well with out sleep.  What happened to me?  I used to be able to go out and party on a Wednesday night, get to bed at 2:00am and get up at 8:00am and go work all day, only to go out again that night as well.  A couple of toddlers should not be so bad right??? Wrong!  Our life was challenging to say the least.  I think that Jerry almost fell over the day that I told him that I thought that we should try to adopt another child......seriously!  I still remember the look he was giving me.  He didn't agree.  I guess you can't blame the guy.  He just went through 2 years of two babies, no sleep, a seriously decreased social life and a wife who went through hell and back.  Was I crazy?  Nope. Part of me had something to prove.  Prove that I could handle more children.  I always wanted a big family.  My mom thought that I had lost my mind.  Nobody could understand.  I wanted to do it again.  Jerry was going to be the hurdle.  He was pretty sure that "we" were done.  I didn't feel done.  And by now, if you have read my blog from the beginning, you know that I listen to my gut.  So, I didn't have my husband's full blessing yet, but I was hoping, so I contacted Forever Families (http://www.forever-families.org/).

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