Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Power of Full Engagement

Journal entry dated August 25, 2003 - Things are going well since my last entry.  The kids are just thriving.  We've really enjoyed the summer.  Still struggling with the decision of whether to adopt another baby.  Cameron will be 2 in January, so the timing is good for thinking about it.  Jerry still leans towards being done.  He says that he trusts me and supports me, if it is what I want.  At times, I feel like, I have my hands full and why rock the boat.  Other times, I just feel that I want to expand.  I always wanted a big family.  When I contacted our agency about the possibility of adopting again, I didn't get a great reception to the idea.  Honestly, I got the feeling that they were somewhat annoyed that I asked.  They told me that it was highly unlikely that a birthmother would pick us, since we already had two children.  I guess most birthmothers want to give a couple their first child, not their third.  Silently, I disagreed, but they were the experts. 
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Journal entry dated August 28, 2003 - I'm reading a book called " The Power of Full Engagement".  It has been very inspirational.  The challenge is to"identify my deepest core values and what my purpose is".    Hmmm.  Instinctively, I think that my purpose is to be a good mother.  When I go deeper, I am learning more about my "mom values".  I want to help my children become "emotionally well balanced".  I don't want to see them be afraid to try unfamiliar things.  I believe that children should have a soft place to fall and that will be with me and Jerry as well.  I will teach them to be gentlemen and to treat all humans with kindness.  I want them to respect nature and all its living creatures.  I want them to feel great comfort knowing that they can trust me with anything that troubles them.  I want to teach them to be confidant and to stand up for their beliefs.  I will show them the road to God, and give them the tools that they need to develop a personal relationship with him.  Core values for myself....I'd like to be more "true",you know that word.... "authentic".  Sometimes, I  tend to sacrifice my needs or desires, to be something for someone else.  I worry too much about being liked.  I tend to be reactionary, instead of thinking things through.   I need to learn to reach out to people for help instead of driving myself into the ground "doing it myself".  Ok, enough of this deep stuff, I need some coffee.
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Journal entry dated September 26, 2003 - This week has been one of those crazy, emotional, frustrating and yet enlightening weeks. Since we finally decided that adopting another child, is what is right for us,  I have been working on a new family book for Forever Families to show prospective birthmothers..... I finished it.  Yay!  My last two phone calls with Denise at the agency, left me feeling that she may not be completely supportive of our decision.  This caused me quite a bit of anguish.    Does she think that we are being greedy?  That is how I felt after hanging up with her.  Another one of those experiences that are unique to us Adoptive parents.  Imagine if you had to put in an application to marry your husband and wait for it to be approved.  Or imagine if someone else is in charge of what you get to study in college.  It is a tough place to be.  You want to build your family, but YOU are not in charge. We are 100% at peace with our decision.  We were moving forward.  Our application to adopt would be valid for one year from now.   We had to update our home study and get details in order.  So, now we do what we do best...we wait. My mind is racing at the possibilities.  Jacob and Cameron could someday have a baby brother or ....dare I.....sister!!!!

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