Saturday, March 12, 2011

...where he came from.

Hey all.  I haven't fallen off the planet.  Just had some knee surgery on Tuesday and I am still recovering, but doing quite well.  It is tough to keep me down.  I am a fighter.  My 9 year old called me brave this week.  That touched my heart.  They don't see me cry very often, but when they do, it freaks them out a little.  I am always tough in their eyes.  It is good for them to see that I am NOT invincible.  Since I have been sitting still in a chair most of this week, I have had some good conversations with the kids.  One in particular, has my mind working overtime.  I won't say which child, to protect his privacy.  The  child asked me about their birthmom and their birthday when she was making her decision.  He asked my "why didn't she try me out" for a couple of days before putting me up for adoption, maybe she would have decided to keep me.  That one hurt.  What do I say to that?   My wheels were spinning fast, I must admit.  Usually, when they throw a question like this at me, I ask them to give me some time to think about it and get back with them, but something told me that I shouldn't go that route this time.  His little eyes were searching my face for a reaction.  I smiled at him.  I told him to come closer.  I told him that she had made her decision before she had ever met him because, her life at the time was not what would be best for a little baby.  She knew that you would need a mommy and daddy who could spend lots of time hugging and kissing you and giving you all the things that you would need to be healthy and happy.  She picked us because she trusted us. She told mommy how much she loved you and that it hurt her heart that she could not be what you needed, but she hoped that you would never forget that she loved you from the minute she knew that you were coming.  He teared up and hugged me so tight. His tears were not for himself or for me, but for her.  He was sad that she felt any pain when she had to let go of him.  He doesn't know much about her, but instinctively, he feels love for her.  I will forever support that.  I am a big part of his story, but she was the beginning and no one can change that or make him feel better about it.  It is my job to make sure that he  knows that I respect that beginning and never shield him from what is rightfully his....the details of where he came from.

Please remember, when you meet an adoptive parent, that along with all of the typical challenges of raising a child, comes many conversations like this one.  There is also the fear of the conversations that your child may be having away from you and if people are compassionate and sensitive to the child.  We have experienced both positive and negative and it is harder the older that they get.  My experience has been that, the more open the communication with them, the more well adjusted the child is about all of their story and sharing their feelings.

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