Thursday, April 7, 2011

A SWIRL of Emotion

Journal entry dated May ##, 2006 - End of Day 2 for Benjamin.  Still can't take him home.  I am swirling with emotion.  I am excited about our new baby.  Overwhelmed by the details.  Scared about him maintaining his oxygen sat level...and simply exhausted by the process.  Two days ago, I was enjoying Spring's arrival and preparing for the seasons planting time, which I absolutey love.  Spring is my favorite time of year.  I feel guilty that I am sad about the loss of enjoying that time this year. It won't happen now.  A new baby takes over your life, in a good way, but nonetheless.....takes over.  I sound like one of those MOMs that I used to get mad at when they would complain about being pregnant... I remember wanting to poke their eyes out! jk.  It is not that I am ungrateful.  Just in a swirl of emotions.  Things will calm down.  He is amazing.  I just haven't really stopped to let it all soak in.  I have the most amazing support system.  Monica, Marla, Lisa and most of all Mom and Mom-in-law.  Jerry offers physical support, but it is these women who offer me the emotional support and allow me to not have to "be the perfect adoptive mother".  I have to allow myself to feel all the emotions and talk about it.  Two days ago, I thought my family was complete and we were done.  It takes a minute to adjust.  I am getting there.  I am so worried about Benjamin.  I hope tomorrow he can come home.

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