Tuesday, July 12, 2011

He Won't Be Alone

If you have been following me for a while, then, you know the name Baby I. For those of you who are new followers, I will explain briefly. Baby I is the beautiful baby boy who was born after my youngest child Benjamin. He is a biological sibling of my children, who was adopted by a wonderful couple that we will call M and M. When Baby I came, we struggled with decision to adopt him. I won't go over all the details again, but if you want to read more about the decision, you can read my three post documentation of the story named "Dear Lord" in my archives.

The year following Baby I's adoption by M and M, was very hard on me emotionally. I kept wondering if we did the right thing. My kids were so thrilled that we were having visits with Baby I and keeping in touch with his family, but I could see that it was hard on my two oldest as well. The first few visits were so bittersweet. When I held him, it felt wonderful to have my hands on him.  Sometimes, I felt frozen.  I didn't know how to act.  He was their child and I respected that. I wondered if I was ever going to get over it. When the visit was ended, we would leave him behind and go home, the ache for him would linger. Over that first year, the visits began to get easier, especially since we were falling in love with Baby I and his parents.  They were wonderful.  He was thriving.  They adored him and they were healing from their own personal ordeal that they endured prior to adopting Baby I.  Life was moving forward, but I still wondered if there would be any more babies in the future.   I could never really get those thoughts out of my head. 

In late 2009, at the end of a very stressful day, the phone rang, but it wasn't the agency, it was M and M. They received one of those phone calls from the agency that we did.....four times. Hello....a baby was on the way.  M and M were going to adopt this baby who was expected to arrive in early 2010. Wow. 

I felt strange. Not a bad strange. A good strange. A feeling of relief. It was then, that I realized that, the worry that I experienced that whole first year after Baby I's birth, wasn't about doing the wrong thing. It was about the fact that I could never have been sure that he would be the last arrival from our birth mom. I guess I felt that if he was the last, then I would probably forever feel that he should have been with us. A lifetime of regret. However, now that I knew he would not be the last to come, there was great relief in my heart that he would not be alone. Alone in the sense that all of his older siblings are all adopted into one family, except him. He would have his own biological sibling with him. They would have each other. Peace of mind, peace of the heart came to me.

I cannot express strongly enough, the realization of just how much pressure I felt to continue adopting every child that came from this birth mom. It was only when I got that phone call from M and M that I realized just how much pressure that I felt. I think that I felt guilty.  Some would have thought me selfish had I adopted Baby-I, knowing how many couples out there want to adopt. I felt a strong need to keep them together at all costs.  Actually, I believe that God sent M and M into our lives. They were meant to be a part of this family circle.

As expected in early 2010, a beautiful baby girl bounced into all of our lives. M and M and Baby I welcomed Baby L. The arrival of this little sweetheart meant so much to my four children. She was their biological sister. Jerry and I fell in love with her right away.  Our hearts were over joyed for a very deserving couple, who now had their baby girl.  Our family circle had grown and we were blessed to have each other. My oldest son, uttered the very words that I had said, the moment I received that call from M and M about Baby L. "I am so happy that He won't be alone".

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