Friday, August 26, 2011

Coffee Talks

It is the eve of my sixteenth wedding anniversary and I once again I am sitting here flipping through old journals.  I love doing that.  I suppose the reason that I love to do that is the same reason why am driven to journal in the first place.  I like to go back and read about the past and see how my life has changed, or how I have grown.  Life is busy and my hubby and I are in different worlds during the day.  He is in corporate and I am in...well, mommie-world.  Sometimes we meet at the end of the day and briefly give each other the once over and check for any obvious damage and then, we are swiftly torn into two different directions for the kids recreational portion of the day.  Swimming, soccer, basketball, well you with kids. 

I found an entry in one of my journals from April of 2010.  I found it interesting, mostly because, I was conflicted.  At the time I wrote this entry, I was going through a difficult time with whether or not to have a hysterectomy.  The reasons to do it were clear and recommended by all my medical support, but the emotions of closing down that part of my life were wreaking havoc on my heart.
Journal entry dated April 11, 2010 - hey there old friend...struggling with my head and heart these days.  I need to make my decision soon about these fibroids.  I can't take much more pain.  I know that I am going to do it, but why am I hanging on so tightly to this stupid uterus.  It has never served me well.  It hasn't been my friend.  It couldn't even just do what it was suppose to do.  It completely failed me.  I should feel like chucking it as far as I can and never look back.  I have four amazing children now and I don't want any more.  So, why is it so hard to let go of something that has nothing to offer me.  If I were to get pregnant right now, I can honestly say that, I would be PISSED.  Of course, I would embrace the situation, but, in all reality I need another baby like I need a hole in my head.  So, what is it that makes one cling to this ridiculous organ that I am done with.  Crazy.  I have so much to be thankful for.  My hubby adores me and is amused by me and my hair brained ideas.  Through much trials and tribulations, we share four amazing little beings sent straight from heaven.  Does one ever feel at peace with not conceiving a child?  Am I seeking something that does not exist?  I don't know.  Maybe it has nothing to do with conceiving and it is just hard to let go of your DAMN uterus.  Maybe I am over dramatizing it??  Tonight Jerry said, "you are beautiful, you are a mother, you are a woman", "nothing can change any of those things, not even a hysterectomy".  I think he's a keeper.
Jerry is not super romantic, but he has had his moments over the past sixteen years.  Our lives are busy and sometimes exhausting and keeping connected to each other can get very challenging.  His most romantic gesture came this summer and I thought that I'd share.  He proposed an idea on how we could stay connected and on the same page.  It was going to require the unthinkable, but I was on board.  Summertime is my time to sleep in and I love my summer sleep ins with the kids.  But, he asked me to get up every morning at 5:30 am to have coffee talks with him before he left for work.  At first, I thought he was joking.  That's just STUPID. Why would any sane person do such a thing?

Begrudgingly, I agreed.  It was still dark out!  The dog wanted to go out to pee too!  It was mayhem.  Too much activity for 5:30am.  B-u-t, it was nice.  We would discuss our plans for the day.  Chit chat.  We even laughed.  I grew to enjoy it so much.  In fact, on the days that I grunted at him from my cozy bed, GO AWAY, not getting up today, I regretted it.  I felt like I missed him that day in a different way.  Like I missed out on "our special time". 

So, his proposal of 5:30am coffee talks turned out to be the most romantic thing that he has ever done for me in Sixteen Years of Marriage. 

Happy Anniversary Hubby. 
You are the BEST.


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