Wednesday, September 14, 2011


At every point in the human journey we find that we have to let go in order to move forward; and letting go means dying a little. In the process we are being created anew, awakened afresh to the source of our being.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Kindergarten and Letting Go

I remember that crazy spring day that hubby and I  brought home our beautiful baby boy from the hospital.  Our fourth adoption.  Third boy.  I was a proud mommie.  Once again it was unexpected, but joyful.  He fit right in. 

I remember when, at 5 weeks, my baby number four first slept through the an angel.  Bliss...

I remember the time when my baby number four made the big leap to big boy underwear....NO More DIAPERS.  Yay!  My hubby and I were elated.  We had been doing diapers for 8 and a half years straight.

For years, my fourth child walked up the long sidewalk of the preschool with me to drop off his brothers or sister, year after year waiting for his turn.  On the day he graduated from that preschool, I cried.  Not only because I was bubbling with pride, but it was the end of an era.  We would not walk up that sidewalk again.

Last kid, first day.

Now, as my youngest child stands on that crazy, wonderful bus stop with all the kids that have watched him go from diapers to backpack.  He is headed off to Kindergarten. He now feels part of them, part of the club.  He is no longer the little brother that stays back with MOM.  

He hopped up on to that BIG first step of the bus, he turned back and looked at me with that smile that only he and I could really appreciate.  He was excited, but he was worried about leaving me behind.  We had been buddies, we had been pals, he was my lunch date everyday.  We were both having to let go.  I would miss him.  I would miss him A LOT.

For years, many told me that this day would come.  The day that I would walk back from the bus stop to an empty house.  Honestly, it seemed like forever til that day would come.  Secretly, I longed for it to come. And here it is.  I was never sure how I would feel.  I always thought that I would go skipping through the house singing and dancing.  In all actuality....I don't know what to do with myself.  Today was day three.  Still lost.

This morning as he ate his breakfast, between bites, he asked me, "so, what do you do while I am gone?".  I paused.  Thought about it.  Then, I said, "Well....I miss you, but I take care of everything so that I can hurry to that bus stop to greet you at the end of your day".  He nodded his head in approval and then, finished his breakfast.  
Letting go......

I didn't want to tell him that I wander the house, confused as to where to start.    Do I do all those projects that I used to only dream about tackling?  Do I sit on the couch and eat bon bons, because, I have worked 11 years 24/7 without weekends off and I DESERVE to RELAX?  Do I take it slow and figure it out one day at a time?  I am still pondering.....trying to let go of a very important phase of my life...  the one where you are preparing them for going off into the world without you. 

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Game of LIFE

I must share a great moment with you.  My nine year old, who is quite the intelligent child.... Lord knows, he didn't get it from me.  That is adoption humor, in case you are wondering. ha ha.  Anyways, he has had many questions lately.  They run the gamut from, "Am I Polish?" to ......"do birthmom's change their minds about adoption?". 

Lately, I just wear my Adoptive Mom Armor and charge right in to the gauntlet of adoption questions from my children.  I joke, but, you have to.  A sense of humor is required for this job.  Anytime they ask if they can have "a private talk" at bedtime with me, I excuse myself briefly and run into my room, take a deep breath and then.....head back bedside.  I am not nervous about their questions, I just like to be relaxed when we have these talks.  As I said at the beginning, he is very smart and difficult to give vague answers to.  With him, I must be prepared for 20 questions and bucket loads of why's.

His favorite game to play with  me is LIFE.  Ironically, that was my favorite board game as a child.  It is one of his top two favorites, Monopoly being the other.  So, the other night he asks me, "where would I be if Daddy and you didn't show up to adopt me?".  I said,, "there would have been another very nice family who would  have adopted you".  He says, "but, they wouldn't have been the right family for me for my whole life, and where would my brothers and my sister be?"

I told you this gets complicated.

I told him, that they could possibly have been with adopted with him, or with other families.  I explained the my belief was that God brought us together on purpose.  He looked at me and said, " I guess that I sure am glad that God made a miracle happen and got us all together".  He wiped a tear from his face and said, "God knew Mom, that only you, would be the right mom for all four of us."

One of my many blessings in the game of LIFE

A few days later, my very intelligent, insightful, beautiful son said to me while we were playing a game of LIFE, "you know MOM, I know now that it was a miracle that you found all of us, because in the game of LIFE, most people only want two kids. 

Thanks for looking!