Friday, September 9, 2011

Kindergarten and Letting Go

I remember that crazy spring day that hubby and I  brought home our beautiful baby boy from the hospital.  Our fourth adoption.  Third boy.  I was a proud mommie.  Once again it was unexpected, but joyful.  He fit right in. 

I remember when, at 5 weeks, my baby number four first slept through the an angel.  Bliss...

I remember the time when my baby number four made the big leap to big boy underwear....NO More DIAPERS.  Yay!  My hubby and I were elated.  We had been doing diapers for 8 and a half years straight.

For years, my fourth child walked up the long sidewalk of the preschool with me to drop off his brothers or sister, year after year waiting for his turn.  On the day he graduated from that preschool, I cried.  Not only because I was bubbling with pride, but it was the end of an era.  We would not walk up that sidewalk again.

Last kid, first day.

Now, as my youngest child stands on that crazy, wonderful bus stop with all the kids that have watched him go from diapers to backpack.  He is headed off to Kindergarten. He now feels part of them, part of the club.  He is no longer the little brother that stays back with MOM.  

He hopped up on to that BIG first step of the bus, he turned back and looked at me with that smile that only he and I could really appreciate.  He was excited, but he was worried about leaving me behind.  We had been buddies, we had been pals, he was my lunch date everyday.  We were both having to let go.  I would miss him.  I would miss him A LOT.

For years, many told me that this day would come.  The day that I would walk back from the bus stop to an empty house.  Honestly, it seemed like forever til that day would come.  Secretly, I longed for it to come. And here it is.  I was never sure how I would feel.  I always thought that I would go skipping through the house singing and dancing.  In all actuality....I don't know what to do with myself.  Today was day three.  Still lost.

This morning as he ate his breakfast, between bites, he asked me, "so, what do you do while I am gone?".  I paused.  Thought about it.  Then, I said, "Well....I miss you, but I take care of everything so that I can hurry to that bus stop to greet you at the end of your day".  He nodded his head in approval and then, finished his breakfast.  
Letting go......

I didn't want to tell him that I wander the house, confused as to where to start.    Do I do all those projects that I used to only dream about tackling?  Do I sit on the couch and eat bon bons, because, I have worked 11 years 24/7 without weekends off and I DESERVE to RELAX?  Do I take it slow and figure it out one day at a time?  I am still pondering.....trying to let go of a very important phase of my life...  the one where you are preparing them for going off into the world without you. 

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