Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I have spent so much time worrying about staying in tune with where my children are at emotionally in life and with their adoptions, that sometimes I forget to allow myself my OWN feelings. Watching #parenthood this week, I got lost in the scene where Kristina was giving birth and for just a moment, I felt envious. Why? The experience. That is all. Just the experience. I have everything else that comes with motherhood, but I don't have that experience of giving birth. That doesn't make me less of an adoptive mother, but just a realist. Trust me, I wouldn't change a thing. Just curious about the whole thing...you know?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
As if that is not enough, I can no longer run with my husband. No longer play golf with my friends. No longer play soccer with my kids. Until recently, I couldn't really venture out socially. We have attempted vacations, some were complete failures, some just disasters, some went fine. It depended on the level of activity. It has been a rough year.
Thankfully, I have a great team of therapists Drs. that I am working with. They are helping me everyday move towards a "new" normal for myself. Yes, it is depressing. But, I refuse to give up. Why, someone asked me. Well, I was not raised to give up, no matter what. I have four reasons to keep me going. My children. They have had to witness their mother weakened. Wronged. How do I not feel bitter? I do feel bitter, but the anger propels me forward. The kids have been through a lot with these differences in me. They are troopers. They lift me up. They won't let me sink for long. I won't lie, everyday, I think about how much this all sucks, but then, I look into their eyes and that's it. Pity party over.
Why this post? I am exhausted. But tomorrow is another day. I will embrace it with all my might.
To quote my oldest son, "Mom, you are brave, no one can take away the fight that is in your heart". He gets it.
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