Saturday, February 12, 2011

My heart is hurting!

The year following Cameron's 2nd birthday was one of healing, learning more about me and discovering just how deeply I was effected by the events of the last 2 years.  I wanted to share more with you about all of this, because, I feel that it is important for people to know that it takes a long time to recover from depression of any kind....and that it is ok that it takes a long time.  In my post yesterday, I saw myself go back to the old days when I made everything "look" good.  Back then the hardest thing that I battled everyday, was me.  I put pressure on myself to be better quicker.  Sometimes, I unconsciously"pretended" to be better, just so that everyone around me, who loved me so much, could just breathe a little easier for a day.  So, I would dig down deep and be what I was supposed to be.  Don't get me wrong.  I was healing all the time, but I kind of felt like a watched pot.  You know, like I couldn't get well quick enough. They didn't mean to make me feel that way, it was just the love they felt for me and the boys. I am the only person who knows just how painful the whole process was.  There is so much that I have never shared with anyone....it is very painful to want something so much, strive for it in every way that you know and when you get it, you fail.  I know in my brain that I did not fail, but in my heart, I just could not help but feel that I failed Cameron, Jerry, myself and all who believed in me.   My greatest pain is that the past is the past and I can't change it, but I want to so bad.  That beautiful little boy deserved to have the best Mommy in the world and I.....didn't give it to him.  I 'm trying to forgive myself, but.....if God would grant me one wish in this world, it would be to go back and change the past for him and I.  Every picture from his first year is so hard for me to look at, even today, not because of my own pain, but for what he missed. Me.  Even as I sit here writing these words, I cannot hold back my tears for the loss of that special time between a mother and child.  I want it BACK for him and for me.  It is forever lost.   Yes, I have continued healing in the 9 years that him and I have been on this journey, but there is still pain. When I look at this child today, I am so filled with pride that he is my son and that I get to share in his life and all of his dreams.  But I ask myself everyday....because of our start, does he know how deeply I love him?  Has it had a lasting effect on how much he feels loved by me?  I meant what I said yesterday.  Cameron and I are very close and together we share a unique bond.  We went through hell and back together.  I swore that this blog would be "real".  I am healing even more from writing this blog.  No regrets.  I know it is honest, but it is necessary.  What I have realized since beginning the blog, is that I had NOT forgiven myself.  Five years ago, in my mind, I decided that I forgave myself, but not in my heart.  The forgiving is currently happening in my life. My heart is hurting and I am working through it, but I never give up.  You see, I told you that I was a work in progress. 

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