Mommie or Bust ~ A Mother’s Journey Through Adoption

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someones hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back. Treasure it. - Unknown

Postpartum depression is moderate to severe depression in a woman after she has given birth. It may occur soon after delivery or up to a year later. Most of the time, it occurs within the first 3 months after delivery http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004481/ Post Adoption Depression Syndrome    Your baby was more adorable in person than pictures. You and your husband never felt so thrilled and fulfilled as you held her in your arms on the flight home. Your ten-year quest for a child is finally over, you are a family now and forever. This little one is finally yours! One month later...... You feel anxious and depressed, but more often, simply overwhelmed. Some mornings you don't get dressed. You don't feel any great love for your child, and you can barely make it through your day. Even your husband doesn't understand. In your deepest, most private moments, you wish you could give your baby back. Sound familiar? There is so much information availabl...

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe things happen for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it .                                         Nobody said life would be easy,                            they just promised it would be worth it.

Bear Lake 2011 Do you see the joy on these two faces?  They have come a long way from those weary frowns worn years ago.  The time before our children found us.  These are the kinda smiles that you feel deep down in your soul.  The ones that you longed to feel for so long.  Nowadays, luckily they come quite easy with our four adopted children in our lives.   While still trying to recover from my auto accident, going on family vacations has been a struggle.  The family was really needing a getaway.  Something fun, but something that I could do without being miserable.  So, we went "Up North", as we like to call it around here.  We were minutes from Lake Michigan. Beautiful beaches, campfires, roasting marshmallows, catching fireflies, and even saw a movie at The Cherrybowl Drive-In. We slowed life down for just a little while.     Not once did the kids complain that the vacation was ...

 My ten year old is inching his way towards puberty and of course in his mind, I am a dork, he feels that I don't understand him and I am the root of all unrest in his life. My nine year old is currently struggling with insomnia. I don't know what to do about it. We have tried reading and everyone and their brother has a solution for us to try. So far nothing is working. He is a very emotional child and worries deeply about all who he loves. MY grandfather and my husbands grandmother are both struggling with their health, so he lays there worrying that when he wakes up, there could be bad news. He is very close to both of them. My six year old little missypoo is a handful. She is spunky. She of course knows way more than me. Lol.  She is a constant source of drama. All that said, I adore them all, but my little 5 year old is getting lost in this tornado of big brothers and big sister. He is desperately trying to get somebody's attention. When I tucked him in tonight, it ki...

Just a heartfelt thanks that I am sending out to all of my followers. So many of you have shared your stories with me and I feel quite honored. Thank you for the feedback when something in my writings has touched your heart, comforted you, or made you laugh. When I was going through my journey in the early days, I never imagined that down the road, I would meet so many that share my deepest, darkest pain, and yet share my greatest of hope for a family. I am so thankful for a place to share, and for those who share back. I intend to continue to share all that I experience, as my journey continues. I am not an expert and I won't ever claim to be. What I am is driven to be a great mom. I make mistakes and screw things up sometimes, but I never give up. I never stop trying to grow as a person, wife and mother. My son asked me today what I want to be remembered for. That really is tough to answer. Of course, I want to be remembered as a good mother. A good friend. A wife ...

If you have been following me for a while, then, you know the name Baby I . For those of you who are new followers, I will explain briefly. Baby I is the beautiful baby boy who was born after my youngest child Benjamin. He is a biological sibling of my children, who was adopted by a wonderful couple that we will call M and M . When Baby I came, we struggled with decision to adopt him. I won't go over all the details again, but if you want to read more about the decision, you can read my three post documentation of the story named "Dear Lord" in my archives. The year following Baby I's adoption by M and M , was very hard on me emotionally. I kept wondering if we did the right thing. My kids were so thrilled that we were having visits with Baby I and keeping in touch with his family, but I could see that it was hard on my two oldest as well. The first few visits were so bittersweet. When I held him, it felt wonderful to have my hands on him.  Sometimes, I fel...

A friend of mine went into labor last night.  It is so exciting.  Waiting to hear all the details.  It wasn't always that way.  I could never begin to know what labor feels like, obviously.  I have listened to many a story about it.  When mom's get together on the playground, they swap labor stories.  It used to be uncomfortable for me.  Never sure that anyone wants to hear my looooooooooooooong story.  Who wants to depress the mommie group?  Not me.  I hear so many moms say that they forget the morning sickness, cravings and how many hours their labor was.  I guess that it is kinda the same with adopting.  You can never really forget all of the heartache that you go through, but the pain does lessen.  When you finally have the ending to your story, then that is when the healing begins.  What you never lose, is the value that you put on parenting a child.  You've labored for ye...

I do not want to sound like a broken record, but......I am again going to reach out to you who are trying to decide on whether to adopt....or not. What is holding you back? Is it the cost? Is it the work involved? Is it scary? No guarantee? I totally understand all of these things. All of these issues are on the minds of many who are considering adoption. You are not alone. Do you worry that you won't bond with a child that is not your own? Are you worried about being responsible for the psychological well being of a child who will have to accept being adopted? Do you worry about adopting a child not knowing the medical history of the child? All of these worries are manageable. Really. I pose this question to you. Are you ok with never sharing your personal gifts with a child who desperately needs and deserves a mommy, daddy or family? Maybe you are a couple who has struggled through infertility and you are beat up and giving up. Don't. Maybe you are a wom...

If you are a SAHM like me, then, I am sure you have already heard the same thing as I have....."I'm bored, there is nothing to do".  Tired of hearing this,  I gave them the "when I was a kid" speech and they rolled their eyes at me (no surprise).  I felt that they were taking their summer for granted and needed to appreciate their lives.  So I put my thinking cap on.  My kids are active.  They love to get out and run around.  I decided that I wanted to give them a Value what you Have Moment .  I had to hone in on something that would inspire them. Then it came to me.   I tiptoed around the house collecting items for our day, while they were playing Rock Band on the Wii.  I loaded the car up with all of the favorites...football, soccer ball, basketball and a few baseball mitts.  I threw some snacks and a water jug in and summoned them all to the foyer.  They were full of questions, but not surprised, since I am the ...

Upon returning home from preschool, I knew that the agency was waiting to hear from me. One comment they made during that pivotal phone call, was that, I shouldn't feel obligated. Obligated???? Obligated never entered my mind. In my heart, that baby belonged with us. You have to remember that at this point, I have only known about this baby for about an hour. My husband made his feelings clear. The only way that I would get over that stumbling block, would be to tell him, that regardless of his feelings, I can't walk away from this baby. He would do it. But at what cost? I value my marriage greatly. No, he would never leave the marriage because of something like this, but I don't want to do anything that would be unhealthy for our well being as a couple. We have been through a lot together on this journey, and I know that we still have great things ahead of us. I set Ben and Amanda up watching a video and headed for the phone. At this point, my heart is begru...

I was standing in the kitchen just looking at my phone.  This phone and I had become long time friends.  You see, this is how I find out that my next child is waiting for me.  Mother's who deliver their babies, hear the doctor say, "it's a girl"or "boy".  This phone has become the messenger in the delivery of my four children.  Everytime I arrive home, I check the caller ID.  I do it unconsciously.  Especially after my youngest child passes 18  months. So, when I looked at those familiar letters on that ID and read......Forever Families Adoption Agency....I took a step back and literally stared at the phone.  As long as I stood there, then nothing has changed, right? The moment that I pick it up, I will be thrown into mayhem.  I couldn't move.  My body would NOT walk back to that phone.  My knees were wobbly and the bottom to my stomach dropped.  Benny was playing in the floor in the living room.  I looked at him...

Hello there.  I had an interesting day yesterday.  I thought that I would share.  First, a little background info. In August of 2010, I had an accident in my 2006 Chrysler Town and Country Mini Van (affectionately known as"The Roach Coach" in our community).  Anyways, in the car with me were 3 of my 4 children.  Two of them were in the back of the van, one in the middle.  All were in their proper boosters and seat belts.  We were rear ended by a Ford Focus at 55 miles per hour while we were at a complete stop.  It was scary.  I saw it coming, but the kids did not.  I was looking in the rear view mirror and I could see that the Focus was coming fast.  After the impact, I opened my eyes to look in the rear view mirror to see the kids, and the mirror was gone.....I was scared to look back.  As a mother, I had always wondered how my kids would fare in an accident if they were seated in the back.  My daughter was hysteri...

Sitting in that room full of other patients, who were in the "same boat" as I, was surreal.  I was really here.  Who would have thought.  Not me.  I always prided myself on being STRONG.  Stronger than most.  I realize that stronger isn't always better.....just maybe more stubborn?  I've been called stubborn a time or two in my life.  The thing in my favor, was that I like to dig down deep and figure things out.  I am not the kind of person to make mistakes and repeat them.  I want to learn from them and grow as a person should.  What I would learn in these days in group therapy, is that depression has nothing to do with how strong you are or how well adjusted you think that you are.  It is not something that you can WILL away.  You can't "SNAP" out of it.  Believe it or not, some people think that you can JUST SNAP OUT of it.  Yep.  I am not kidding. I would also learn that,  the day I went t...

And baby makes Four!! Jerry, Amy, Jacob and Cameron Well, as you can imagine, things kicked up a bit with the arrival of Baby Cameron.  We took him home from the hospital 3 days after he was born.  I must tell you that in those days before he came home, I was more scared than I had ever been.  I was not convinced that I could handle this.  He was so stinken cute and such a precious baby, but I did not really embrace all of it quite the same as when Jacob came into our lives.  There wasn't anyone I could tell that I wasn't ready for this.  When Cameron came I felt forced to accept the "wonderful-ness" of it all against my real fears of not being ready for a second child.  In most of the pictures taken of me in the first few months, I kinda looked like a deer in headlights.  No Kidding. In the first 2 months, I lost a lot of sleep between the two of them taking turns waking me all night.  I also came down with pneumonia....