Mommie or Bust ~ A Mother’s Journey Through Adoption

Postpartum depression is moderate to severe depression in a woman after she has given birth. It may occur soon after delivery or up to a year later. Most of the time, it occurs within the first 3 months after delivery http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004481/ Post Adoption Depression Syndrome    Your baby was more adorable in person than pictures. You and your husband never felt so thrilled and fulfilled as you held her in your arms on the flight home. Your ten-year quest for a child is finally over, you are a family now and forever. This little one is finally yours! One month later...... You feel anxious and depressed, but more often, simply overwhelmed. Some mornings you don't get dressed. You don't feel any great love for your child, and you can barely make it through your day. Even your husband doesn't understand. In your deepest, most private moments, you wish you could give your baby back. Sound familiar? There is so much information availabl...

Upon returning home from preschool, I knew that the agency was waiting to hear from me. One comment they made during that pivotal phone call, was that, I shouldn't feel obligated. Obligated???? Obligated never entered my mind. In my heart, that baby belonged with us. You have to remember that at this point, I have only known about this baby for about an hour. My husband made his feelings clear. The only way that I would get over that stumbling block, would be to tell him, that regardless of his feelings, I can't walk away from this baby. He would do it. But at what cost? I value my marriage greatly. No, he would never leave the marriage because of something like this, but I don't want to do anything that would be unhealthy for our well being as a couple. We have been through a lot together on this journey, and I know that we still have great things ahead of us. I set Ben and Amanda up watching a video and headed for the phone. At this point, my heart is begru...

I was standing in the kitchen just looking at my phone.  This phone and I had become long time friends.  You see, this is how I find out that my next child is waiting for me.  Mother's who deliver their babies, hear the doctor say, "it's a girl"or "boy".  This phone has become the messenger in the delivery of my four children.  Everytime I arrive home, I check the caller ID.  I do it unconsciously.  Especially after my youngest child passes 18  months. So, when I looked at those familiar letters on that ID and read......Forever Families Adoption Agency....I took a step back and literally stared at the phone.  As long as I stood there, then nothing has changed, right? The moment that I pick it up, I will be thrown into mayhem.  I couldn't move.  My body would NOT walk back to that phone.  My knees were wobbly and the bottom to my stomach dropped.  Benny was playing in the floor in the living room.  I looked at him...

And baby makes Four!! Jerry, Amy, Jacob and Cameron Well, as you can imagine, things kicked up a bit with the arrival of Baby Cameron.  We took him home from the hospital 3 days after he was born.  I must tell you that in those days before he came home, I was more scared than I had ever been.  I was not convinced that I could handle this.  He was so stinken cute and such a precious baby, but I did not really embrace all of it quite the same as when Jacob came into our lives.  There wasn't anyone I could tell that I wasn't ready for this.  When Cameron came I felt forced to accept the "wonderful-ness" of it all against my real fears of not being ready for a second child.  In most of the pictures taken of me in the first few months, I kinda looked like a deer in headlights.  No Kidding. In the first 2 months, I lost a lot of sleep between the two of them taking turns waking me all night.  I also came down with pneumonia....

Journal Entry dated November 13, 2000 - When we were leaving the hospital today to bring Jacob home with us, it all hit me.  We are going home with our little boy.  It felt strange.  Wonderful, but strange.  Kinda like when you go through the drive-thru at McDonald's, and as you drive away, you realize that they gave you an extra cheeseburger and you think, "I'd better get out of here, before someone realizes they made a mistake".  Mixed with all of this excitement is a lot of fear.  I did not realize that I would feel this so strongly.  It is like I am getting on an airplane going on vacation and I am full of excitement. Then comes that feeling when the plane is taking off and you are nervous, then you reach a point in the air where the nervousness lessens, but never really goes away.  Then the plane touches down and you are ok.  I am nervous to fall so deeply in love with this little angel, and then something goes wrong...