Baby Cameron

And baby makes Four!!
Jerry, Amy, Jacob and Cameron
Well, as you can imagine, things kicked up a bit with the arrival of Baby Cameron.  We took him home from the hospital 3 days after he was born.  I must tell you that in those days before he came home, I was more scared than I had ever been.  I was not convinced that I could handle this.  He was so stinken cute and such a precious baby, but I did not really embrace all of it quite the same as when Jacob came into our lives.  There wasn't anyone I could tell that I wasn't ready for this.  When Cameron came I felt forced to accept the "wonderful-ness" of it all against my real fears of not being ready for a second child.  In most of the pictures taken of me in the first few months, I kinda looked like a deer in headlights.  No Kidding. In the first 2 months, I lost a lot of sleep between the two of them taking turns waking me all night.  I also came down with pneumonia.  If you have ever had pneumonia, you know that the cough alone is so frustrating.  So in 2 months, my world changed drastically and my body ws sick both physically and mentally.   Between my health and my fears, I felt anger at the lack of control over my life which fed resentments that stood in the way of me adjusting to the new baby.  People started asking me strange questions about how I was handling everything and I was quite defensive.  "I'm FINE", I would say.  I lied.  I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't handle it.  Especially Jerry, after all, this is what I wanted, right??  I felt depression creeping in, but at that time, I did not recognize it as depression, just unhappiness.  I had never been through depression before.  I had heard of Post Par tum Depression, but, didn't you have to deliver a baby to get that??? So, I just forged ahead and kept working on getting Cameron to sleep through the night, and then hoped that getting more sleep myself would straighten everything out.  Right?  Wrong.  About the time that Cameron was turning 3 months old, I was getting hopeless that I may never form that bond with Cameron like I developed with Jacob right away.  Sometimes, I wanted to pack Jacob up, get in the car and drive away and never look back.  My mom was getting very concerned, because, she could clearly see my lack of emotional attachment to the new baby.  Jerry was really confused, and not sure how to help me.  Friends were getting concerned as well.  One special friend sat me down and pulled me out of the denial that I was in.  Thank God, someone made me see that I need help.  That afternoon, I called my mom to come watch the babies, because I needed to go to the doctor to get some help.  I drove straight to the Emergency Room.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

SHOCK!

Journal entry dated November 11, 2000 - I am still in SHOCK.  Shaking. My stomach feels like I am in an airplane and we are experiencing turbulence.  Today is Veterans Day and since Jerry had the day off, we decided to go hang out with Jerry's parents and maybe do a little Christmas shopping.  We were sitting on the couch chatting when the phone rang.  My mother in law answered it and came around the corner from the kitchen and whispered to me, "its the adoption agency".  She says, "they said they have been looking for you".  I told her to "RELAX, we finished our home study yesterday and they probably have a question for us." I picked up the phone and said "Hello".  The next few minutes, I would be silent and frozen in my footsteps, for fear that I may be misunderstanding our Social workers words.  "We have a baby boy here at the hospital and the mother has selected you and Jerry to become the adoptive parents."  Not sure that I ...
Read more

Dear Birthmother

I am going to share a very personal letter with you today.  This letter came from my heart.  It is our "Dear Birthmother" letter.   This was a very challenging letter to write.  I was trying to keep in mind how a birth mother would be feeling as she read our letter and what words would comfort her as she made, what seemed to me, to be an impossible decision.  We couldn't possibly understand where each other was coming from, but I felt that there had to be some common ground for us to meet.  The agency told us that you never know what one peice of information may draw a birth mother to you, so we should be thorough and full of detail.  This is our letter. Dear Birthmother, Selecting a future home and family for your child is a very difficult and important decision.  We greatly respect and appreciate your need to know about us and the kind of home that we would provide for your child.  By gaining some insight i...
Read more

My Mommy

Image
Today is a celebration of mothers everywhere.  I am blessed with an amazing mother as well as a lovely mother in law who treats me as if I were her own.  The list is long and endless on how many great things that I could say about my mommy, but I want to share the most important thing that she ever gave me as mother.  No matter what the time of my life or the situation that we were in, my mother always listened with an open heart.   In my mind, I could not surprise her with the level of mischief that I would get into.  I could not say anything mean enough to rattle her.  No sex question through her off guard.  She was my rock.  I am sure that inside she wanted to lambaste me a few times, but she always exhibited great self control.  I admire her for that, because as a mother, I now know just how hard that was.  Through the years, I must say that I challenged her self control quite a bit, especially in the 15 -17 year ...
Read more