Let ME Vent!

Journal entry dated November 12, 2001 - Dear Jacob, You are now One Year Old.  What a celebration we had. We did it all.  It was a special day for us and I know that many people were thinking of you.  Especially your birthmommy.  I have thought about her so much in the last few days.  I am sure she is wondering how you are and she is feeling different emotions.  I sent your one year pic in to the agency, so that she could see it if she wants.  I know that she felt so comforted by her choice of Daddy and I, but she loves you and I am sure she misses you everyday.  I do not know what the future holds in regard to your relationship with her, but I hope you will always know that I want what you want.  She is a strong and loving person who has all of my respect, but she is human.  By the time you read this, you will be a grown  man heading off to college and beginning your journey into adulthood.   I hope you will always look to me as your loving mother and loyal confidante.   I will forever cherish you.  Happy Birthday. Love you lots. ~ Mommy
**
Go ahead and say it, I am so mushy gushy.  Hey, its my one and only baby boy....right?  I gotta gush all over him. 

We had a ball celebrating Christmas and New Years with Jacob.  My days with Jacob were very busy and thankfully he was a great sleeper.  He would sleep 13 hours straight.  Yippie.  Everyday for his morning nap, we would take one together. It was our special time together.  It took a year, but I was finally feeling more relaxed with motherhood.  I wasn't so spastic about everything. My poor husband.  I gotta give him a lot of credit, because he humored me quite often.  Of course, I thought he was a butthead.  He didn't seem to understand that my whole day was built around taking care of Jacob and there was NO "me" time at all.  When that child was to go to bed, I wanted him to STAY sleeping at all cost.  Doesn't he get that????????
NO HE DOESN"T.   Every creek in the house, every door closed too hard,  every single noise was amplified in my head X3.  Needless to say, we were not on the same page.  About this time, I started expecting Jerry to be a bit of a mind reader.  Problem was, I forgot to tell him that.  He had no clue. Doesn't he KNOW I am stressed out?  Can't he tell that I don't FEEL like cooking tonight? Doesn't he SEE that Jacob's diaper needs to be changed?  Do I have to tell him EVERYTHING???  The answer is YES!  I didn't know that then, but I learned over the years that husbands aren't oblivious, they just need instruction.  The are "fixers" by nature.  If there is a problem they fix it, smile and move on.  We don't always want a fix.....just to VENT.  I think that men see venting as complaining and if you are complaining about something, you must need a fixer, right?  Well, anyways.....we were muddling through figuring it all out.  No one ever told me that being a mother would be so hard.......or that I would never have another HOT cup of coffee again.  Thank goodness for the microwave.

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