How Can I NOT??

I was standing in the kitchen just looking at my phone.  This phone and I had become long time friends.  You see, this is how I find out that my next child is waiting for me.  Mother's who deliver their babies, hear the doctor say, "it's a girl"or "boy".  This phone has become the messenger in the delivery of my four children.  Everytime I arrive home, I check the caller ID.  I do it unconsciously.  Especially after my youngest child passes 18  months.

So, when I looked at those familiar letters on that ID and read......Forever Families Adoption Agency....I took a step back and literally stared at the phone.  As long as I stood there, then nothing has changed, right?

The moment that I pick it up, I will be thrown into mayhem.  I couldn't move.  My body would NOT walk back to that phone.  My knees were wobbly and the bottom to my stomach dropped.  Benny was playing in the floor in the living room.  I looked at him and suddenly, my mind went haywire.  I have 4 children and I am already at my wits end most of the time.  What if that call is about another baby?  We are DONE.  We have no money, no room in this house and I have no brain cells left.  I looked at the phone again. 

 I can't do it.....But, how can I not?