Mommie or Bust ~ A Mother’s Journey Through Adoption

Hello blogland.  I am not neglecting you, but I have had a looooooooooong week filled with ER visits for one child, and multiple doctor visits for 2 others with strep throat and my knee is swollen the size of a grapefruit.  On top of that, we had 2 snow days, one of which included my hubby.  I haven't accomplished a whole lot this week.  My list of "to do's" is long and unchecked.   I am supposed to go on a scrapbook weekend this friday, and as usual the family is falling apart just in time for the guilt to set in.  You know what I am talking about.  That voice inside that says, "you don't deserve to go anywhere young lady, you have five other lives counting on you".  The voice gets louder and louder with each day closer to my leaving.  If you are a scrapper, you know the preparation that goes into one of these weekends.  I haven't even started to prepare.  I am having those thoughts about whether it is worth it to ev...

Journal entry dated September 30, 2004 - Wow.  I am exhausted.  Jacob and Cameron both have the flu.  Cameron has that frightening croup cough as well.  Jerry is out of town and my mom is sick.  "Help, I am drowning!".  Last night the boys were tag team puking and their fevers were not on the same Motrin/Tylenol schedule, so basically, I don't remember ever sleeping much.   Jacob seems to be a little ahead of Cameron in the process.  It is times like right now that I think that I am crazy to want another child.  Three kids with the flu?  I don't think so.  I know that I am gonna get it right about the time they are well.  Jerry won't be back for 3 more days.  This is nuts.  I feel like a ZOMBIE.  Poor little guys.  On one hand, I love how they want to snuggle when they are sick, on the other hand......I need some sleep.  I get scared to get seriously sleep deprived again.  I think that I may ...

Journal entry dated September 1, 2004 - Jacob is going to start preschool this year.  It is only one week away.  I can't believe he is going to be 4 years old.  Yikes.  Cameron is two years old going on three in January.  It will be nice for Cameron and I to have special time alone while Jacob goes to school for a few hours a week.  I have been thinking a lot about that third child that we are hoping for. We only have one month left in our year of eligibility and if we want to extend it, it will be more money.  I don't know if it will happen.  I guess I am ok with that. I am so happy with our beautiful boys.  They are growing up fast. I really can't believe how fast.  Life is very full and I am feeling quite well these days.  I still have days where I want to escape, but I think that most of that is just the nature of being a stay at home mom.  Thank GOD for my wonderful friends and playgroups.  My ru...

Our family is a circle of love and strength. With every birth and every union, the circle grows. Every joy shared adds more love. Every obstacle faced together makes the circle stronger.  Sixteen years ago today, Jerry and I met and the spark was lit.  We had no idea what the future held for us, but we knew that together we would forge ahead and make our dreams come true no matter what the obstacle. February 19, 1995 

I stumbled on to this today and it brought those motherly tears to my eyes.  I felt those butterflies.... you know the ones that you feel from your head to your toes..........     I tiptoed into your room one night. I watched you sleeping there. Your tiny body looked so snug Wrapped in peaceful slumber's care. I thought of how you came to be The child we'd longed to know. I wondered at the sight of you: "How could she let you go?" Tears streamed down my cheeks as I Felt the pain she must have known. For I will have to let you go Some day when you are grown. A mother I might never meet Had given me her son. Yet, surely as you've filled my heart, A piece of hers you'd won. "How could she let you go?" The question kept returning. And in the depths of my own heart. A question kept on burning. "How can I ever let you go When years have come and gone?" I stood there by your crib until The nighttime turned to dawn. And as ...

Journal entry dated August 25, 2003 - Things are going well since my last entry.  The kids are just thriving.  We've really enjoyed the summer.  Still struggling with the decision of whether to adopt another baby.  Cameron will be 2 in January, so the timing is good for thinking about it.  Jerry still leans towards being done.  He says that he trusts me and supports me, if it is what I want.  At times, I feel like, I have my hands full and why rock the boat.  Other times, I just feel that I want to expand.  I always wanted a big family.  When I contacted our agency about the possibility of adopting again, I didn't get a great reception to the idea.  Honestly, I got the feeling that they were somewhat annoyed that I asked.  They told me that it was highly unlikely that a birthmother would pick us, since we already had two children.  I guess most birthmothers want to give a couple their first child, not their third.  S...

I need to clarify something.  In my last post, I was quite emotional about my journey with my PADS (Post Adoption Depression Syndrome) and how it affected Cameron and I.  I wrote that it takes a long time to recover from depression.  What I meant was, that it takes a long time to recover from the effects that depression has on your life.  Meaning that, you may have "damage control" for years to follow.   Sleep, medication and counseling heals the symptoms of depression.  Emotional healing takes longer and can happen through therapy, time and learning about yourself.  I don't know about you, but I am REALLY good at denial.  It is kinda like "protective mode" for me.  Protecting myself from dealing with the effects that depression had on my life. Sometimes,  I go through rough patches with my emotional well being, and that is not because I am regressing, or slipping back into depression, bu...

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation." - Brian Tracy Enjoying blessings today on this Valentine's Day.  A husband who makes me feel loved and cherished everyday.  Four amazing children who fill my world with love, excitement and every day is an adventure.  I am so thankful to God for the strength that he gives me each and every day.  Happy Valentine's Day All.  Enjoy your blessings.   Sappy I know, but nonetheless true.

The year following Cameron's 2nd birthday was one of healing, learning more about me and discovering just how deeply I was effected by the events of the last 2 years.  I wanted to share more with you about all of this, because, I feel that it is important for people to know that it takes a long time to recover from depression of any kind....and that it is ok that it takes a long time.  In my post yesterday, I saw myself go back to the old days when I made everything "look" good.  Back then the hardest thing that I battled everyday, was me .  I put pressure on myself to be better quicker.  Sometimes, I unconsciously"pretended" to be better, just so that everyone around me, who loved me so much, could just breathe a little easier for a day.  So, I would dig down deep and be what I was supposed to be.  Don't get me wrong.  I was healing all the time, but I kind of felt like a watched pot.  You know, like I couldn't get well quick enoug...

Journal entry dated September 30, 2002 - Dear Cameron, Today your adoption was finalized in the courts.  Everyone was there.  Mommy, Daddy, Jacob and all your Grandparents.  What a celebration.  You were an absolute angel.  What a great day.  I felt so much joy today knowing that all in final now.  You became my son in January and forever filled my heart, but now the world knows that you will always be my beautiful son.  I love how you look for me at all times when someone else is holding you.  I love when I come in your room each morning and you throw your arms out to me in delight at the sight of me.  I love how you look at me as if I am the greatest person who ever lived.  I love you so deeply that I feel lost when you are away from me!  Thank you for loving me so completely and unconditionally.  ~Love you, Mommy *** At the point of this journal entry, I had made it through a lot of the to...

Hello there.  I had an interesting day yesterday.  I thought that I would share.  First, a little background info. In August of 2010, I had an accident in my 2006 Chrysler Town and Country Mini Van (affectionately known as"The Roach Coach" in our community).  Anyways, in the car with me were 3 of my 4 children.  Two of them were in the back of the van, one in the middle.  All were in their proper boosters and seat belts.  We were rear ended by a Ford Focus at 55 miles per hour while we were at a complete stop.  It was scary.  I saw it coming, but the kids did not.  I was looking in the rear view mirror and I could see that the Focus was coming fast.  After the impact, I opened my eyes to look in the rear view mirror to see the kids, and the mirror was gone.....I was scared to look back.  As a mother, I had always wondered how my kids would fare in an accident if they were seated in the back.  My daughter was hysteri...

Sitting in that room full of other patients, who were in the "same boat" as I, was surreal.  I was really here.  Who would have thought.  Not me.  I always prided myself on being STRONG.  Stronger than most.  I realize that stronger isn't always better.....just maybe more stubborn?  I've been called stubborn a time or two in my life.  The thing in my favor, was that I like to dig down deep and figure things out.  I am not the kind of person to make mistakes and repeat them.  I want to learn from them and grow as a person should.  What I would learn in these days in group therapy, is that depression has nothing to do with how strong you are or how well adjusted you think that you are.  It is not something that you can WILL away.  You can't "SNAP" out of it.  Believe it or not, some people think that you can JUST SNAP OUT of it.  Yep.  I am not kidding. I would also learn that,  the day I went t...

I must tell you that I have been overwhelmed by your support and stories of similar experiences as a result of my last post.  I am sure that you realize that it was very difficult for me to put that "out there", but I feel it is necessary.  I know that many women go through the same thing that I did.  Many women experience post par tum depression after delivering a child, but did you know that an adoptive mother can experience the same thing?  It is called Post Adoptive Depression Syndrome, PADS.  You can read about Post Adoption Depression - The Unacknowledged Hazard @ http://www.adoptionarticlesdirectory.com/ .  This article described my behavior exactly. Journal entry dated April 2, 2002 - Today I sat in the emergency room for 6 hours waiting to see a doctor.  There was a bad accident on US23 that involved many cars, so there was a lot going on in that ER.  I debated on whether to just go home.  Nope.  I to...

And baby makes Four!! Jerry, Amy, Jacob and Cameron Well, as you can imagine, things kicked up a bit with the arrival of Baby Cameron.  We took him home from the hospital 3 days after he was born.  I must tell you that in those days before he came home, I was more scared than I had ever been.  I was not convinced that I could handle this.  He was so stinken cute and such a precious baby, but I did not really embrace all of it quite the same as when Jacob came into our lives.  There wasn't anyone I could tell that I wasn't ready for this.  When Cameron came I felt forced to accept the "wonderful-ness" of it all against my real fears of not being ready for a second child.  In most of the pictures taken of me in the first few months, I kinda looked like a deer in headlights.  No Kidding. In the first 2 months, I lost a lot of sleep between the two of them taking turns waking me all night.  I also came down with pneumonia....

One brisk winter Monday morning, Jacob and I were rushing around the house getting ready to head out to our playgroup with all of our friends.  He was so excited, running around looking for his favorite blankie. Remember that Winnie the Pooh blankie that I bought back before Jacob was born?  It is his favorite thing.  I should have bought a back up.  Anyways, it was very cold outside, so I ran out to start the car so it would be nice and cozy for us.  We had about a half hour drive to the playgroup.  When I came back in, I heard the phone ringing and I really didn't want to answer it, because we were actually running a little late.....so I ran over to check the caller ID and it read Forever Families http://www.forever-families.org/ .  Hmmmm.  Wonder what they want.  I had not spoke to them since Jacob's adoption was final about 4 months ago. I grabbed it.  The social worker and I chit chatted briefly and then she said, well, th...

Journal entry dated November 12, 2001 - Dear Jacob, You are now One Year Old.  What a celebration we had. We did it all.  It was a special day for us and I know that many people were thinking of you.  Especially your birthmommy.  I have thought about her so much in the last few days.  I am sure she is wondering how you are and she is feeling different emotions.  I sent your one year pic in to the agency, so that she could see it if she wants.  I know that she felt so comforted by her choice of Daddy and I, but she loves you and I am sure she misses you everyday.  I do not know what the future holds in regard to your relationship with her, but I hope you will always know that I want what you want.  She is a strong and loving person who has all of my respect, but she is human.  By the time you read this, you will be a grown  man heading off to college and beginning your journey into adulthood.   I hope you will always ...