Mommie or Bust ~ A Mother’s Journey Through Adoption

Today, I had one of those moments where you are provoked to experience many different emotions all in about 30 seconds, and I thought to myself  I "Can't wait to share" this. This morning, like many mornings, I was taking my Benjamin to preschool and on the way, I stopped off at the local TIM HORTON's http://www.timhortons.com/  for a Butter Caramel Coffee with double sugar....cuz that's how I roll.  I was next to order, and I noticed that the truck in front of me, wasn't pulled up far enough for me to get to the speaker, and of course, I thought to myself, "move up butthead". Lol.   I have learned not to say these things out loud in front of my little sweetheart, since he has the BIGGEST ear drums EVER.  I looked in the side view mirror of that truck and I could see this man looking right back at me.  Ewe, it felt a little creepy.  Anyways, I finally got to order, and moved up to the window.  So, I am fumbling through my very or...

 Wow.  Nothing like an INSANE morning to take your mind off the sadness in your heart.  Sometimes our mornings feel like I am a contestant on Minute to Win it.  Picture this.....my back is killing me due to a flippin car accident 8 MONTHS ago, so I am operating on some serious muscle relaxers....I am not what I used to be, but that is a whole new blog for the future.  Everyone had issues this morning.  No one wanted anything that I offered for breakfast, and to be honest, I was offering up easy peasy stuff, due to time constraints. We packed lunches and I listened to moaning and groaning about them not wanting healthy stuff.  I hate packing lunches.  Only 1 of my kids will take a sandwich.  I struggle to be creative these days.  Muscle relaxers do that to your brain.   My daughter Amanda (6) could not line the seam of her sock up just right and my solution...go with no socks, but that was falling on deaf ear...

My emotions are still whirling....yesterdays news still weighing on my mind.  There are no words for things like this.  This child was so anticipated.  The preparation and planning opens your heart.  The excitement builds with each day closer to the birthmoms due date.  You have never seen this child, and yet you love it so much.  Your bond strengthens each day.  This news is devastating, not only to the adoptive parents, but the birthmother as well.  This child was a piece of my children... this child was from their birthmother.  My children are hurting.  Many hearts are aching over the loss of this child......I am praying for strength for all involved.  Especially for M&M.    The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God.  ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

My heart is breaking today for some dear friends.  The child that they were preparing to adopt, was stillborn today. The world may never notice If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom, Or even pause to wonder If the petals fall too soon. But every life that ever forms, Or ever comes to be, Touches the world in some small way For all eternity. The little one we long for Was swiftly here and gone. But the love that was then planted Is a light that still shines on. And though our arms are empty, Our hearts know what to do. Every beating of our hearts Says that we do love you. Hug your babies tight and be forever thankful.

Journal entry dated April 21, 2011 - I am overwhelmed by the support that I have recieved from all of my mom friends....the ones that KNOW how hard the job of Mother is.  They know that I am pretty tough...usually.  I am down these days.  Life has thrown me a few curves lately and I am trying to be SUPERWOMAN.  I don't have the equipment to be SUPERWOMAN right now...and my friends reminded me that I don't have to be.  When you are a mother in a community, you develop different relationships with women.  Some, you are super close to and can always count on them.  Some, you reconnected with from the past and are great FB friends. Some, you just see at school and on the sport fields, but you know that in a pinch, they would be there for you.  Some, you can go have a drink with and vent all night and laugh your worries away. Some, you were in playgroups with when your kids were young and even though you are not in the same schools now, if y...

Hello readers!  I thank you for following my blog.  It has been great writing and sharing the story of my family with you.  I am going to take a break for awhile, as I have some personal issues to tend to and when I get a handle on them, I will be back.  Please sign in on my Guestbook. I have met so many great people since beginning my blog and look forward to continuing that in the future.  Please continue to share my blog with anyone that you think could be comforted by it.  Thanks! Please help me make a decision.  Question:  Should I write a book, so that I can share more of the story or just continue the blogging???Vote in Footer.

You know how you can read your kids faces, the minute you see them after being separated all day?  You can tell whether it was a good or a bad day.  You can tell whether they have a secret to tell or if someone hurt their feelings on the bus.  They can't hide any of it from you.  After four kids, I have gotten pretty good at it.  Well, today, one of my kids surprised me.  I had a difficult day today.  I received some news that was upsetting and I really had not had a chance to "really" process all of it by the time the bus was coming.  It was 3:57 and the bus arrived.  First off was my daughter Amanda and she was crying....I wasn't surprised, because her teacher had called me just before to tell me that Amanda had misplaced her soccer ball at school.  Hugs and kisses for Amanda.  Second off the bus was Jacob, who walked up to me, hugged me and then ran off with a friend.  Third off was my son Cameron.  Walki...

I must share a very exciting thing that is happening around our house this week.  On Tuesday night, I was opening the mail and as I went through the pile, there was an envelope that said TO THE PARENTS OF Amanda!  You know the feeling that you get when you see that.  It is either something bad.  Or something you will have to "work on".  Or possibly something GREAT.  Thankfully, it was something GREAT.  Apparently, someone has nominated my little six year old to be honored by the city Optimist Club for outstanding service to her community.  We have no idea who or why she has been nominated, but will find out at the ceremony.   Is that exciting or what?  As mom's, we do not recieve a "paycheck" for what we do, but our payment comes in the form of how well our children succeed as HUMAN beings.We are very proud and I just wanted to share with you. Have a great day.

Journal entry dated March 30, 2007 - Jacob's Journal - You are 6 years old now and quite an amazing little kindergartner.  You have had quite a year.  Your teacher has been very instrumental in getting you where you need to be.  We learned that you have something called SPD (Sensory Process Disorder).  It took a while to get with the right program, but you are in therapy with an occupational therapist.  You are going through what they call Sensory Integration.  They think, that birth, your Vestibular portion of your nervous system stopped developing due to traumatic birth or something during pregnancy.  I has caused you some difficulty with your fine motor skills and crossing mid line development.  We are having great success with the program.  Everything is improving.  I know that I am driving you crazy with all the exercises, brushing and the music stimulation, but it will make a huge difference in your life if we can over come the p...

2011 Mommy and Me Photo Contest - Adoption Photos - Adoptive Families

May 2006 As we walked into the McDonald's, I was scanning the place, looking for her or our agency rep.  Whew.  They aren't here yet.  We got some goodies and settled in.  If you have kids, you will understand that once the food is consumed, the kids are ready to go.  So you can understand that after 45 minutes of waiting, my blood was starting to boil a bit.  Just a bit.  The kids were doing well, but their energy level was escalating.   Suddenly, I realized as I was looking at Amanda, that she has this big SHINER.  I forgot about that.  OMG!  Just great.  She has no hair yet at 19 months, she is wearing hand-me down jeans from her brothers and she has a big black eye.  I am exaggerating, but at that moment, it looked huge to me.  Just lovely.  Here she is meeting her birth mother and she looks like a little boy with a shiner.  We ran out of the house so fast, that I never looked at them to see if th...

Late May 2006 So, it is a Spring day today full with sunshine.  My baby is 4 weeks old.  My older children are 5yrs, 4yrs and 18 months.  I was handling things pretty well.  Amanda is a little helper.  The boys were excited about the change of season and getting to play outside.  We were thoroughly enjoying the day.  I had not really ventured out much on my own with the four of them, other than to take Jacob and Cameron to preschool for the remaining few weeks.  That was interesting to say the least.  Those preschool mom's didn't know what to say to me, when I showed up with a baby.  One mom, she kept looking at me and finally, says to me, "please forgive me, but, you never looked pregnant, did you have a baby?  That is a loaded question for the 5 minutes that you are in the hallway with people that you hardly know.  That is always the dilemma.  What and how much to say.  If you say, "oh no, he is ado...

We finally took our little Benjamin home at the end of his fourth day in the hospital.  He was finally holding his oxygen saturation level above 95 and we were so excited.  I must tell you.....I was kinda scared.  This was new territory for me.  When Cameron was born, he struggled a little to keep it up, but not like Benjamin.  I called home on the way to let everyone know that little brother was on his way and I could hear the kids screaming and jumping up and down in the background.  They were so excited.  Jerry and I were very quiet and content on that ride home.  Things were as they should be.  He looked at me and said, "we are getting pretty good at this, aren't we?".  We laughed.  Five and a half years ago, we were looking at each other, worried that we would never know the joy of taking our baby home, and here we are taking home number four.  Life is sure full of twists and turns, ups and downs and behind every cloud, we...

Wow.  Today, someone asked me, "how can you share such tender moments about your family with the public"?  She said, "I could never do THAT to my family". Whether she could understand it or not.  This is what I said.  My pain went so deep when I was going through infertility.  Sometimes, I thought that I would never be happy again.  Surgeries, shots, medications.  Negative pregnancy tests.  Miscarriages.  When you are in it, you feel loss of control of your life.  Your life has become about...getting pregnant.  Through it, I realized that...the getting pregnant part was actually a small part of the whole process of becoming a parent.  Once that nine months was over, we were all in the same boat, no matter where the babies came from.  My reason for sharing my story is simple.  To let women and men know that, yes, the process is painful and sometimes, we can change directions and follow another road, such as adoption....

Journal entry dated May ##, 2006 - End of Day 2 for Benjamin.  Still can't take him home.  I am swirling with emotion.  I am excited about our new baby.  Overwhelmed by the details.  Scared about him maintaining his oxygen sat level...and simply exhausted by the process.  Two days ago, I was enjoying Spring's arrival and preparing for the seasons planting time, which I absolutey love.  Spring is my favorite time of year.  I feel guilty that I am sad about the loss of enjoying that time this year. It won't happen now.  A new baby takes over your life, in a good way, but nonetheless.....takes over.  I sound like one of those MOMs that I used to get mad at when they would complain about being pregnant... I remember wanting to poke their eyes out! jk.  It is not that I am ungrateful.  Just in a swirl of emotions.  Things will calm down.  He is amazing.  I just haven't really stopped to let it all soak in....

Journal entry dated May ##, 2006 - We met our fourth little angel today.  He is so beautiful.  It was so hard to leave him there tonight, but we had to go to Meijer and get supplies for bringing him home.  We named him Benjamin.  I can tell already that he is a gentle soul.  We may not be able to bring him home right away.  His oxygen saturation level keeps dropping to under 90.  This happened when Cameron was born as well.  But it wasn't as low as Benjamin's.  Not sure why this happens, but my mind wonders.  Our birthmom never has any prenatal care with her pregnancies, which is frustrating, but I have no control over it, so I try not to "go there".  We have had indications in the past that there has been alcohol and drug use, but fortunately, she stops once she knows she is pregnant.  It is a tough thing.  I try to remember that, I have no control before they enter my world, but I sure do once they are here.  I can...

May 2006 The ride to the hospital was the same as the other 3 times.  Exciting.  Once again, we talked about names.  I was wondering...would he look like Jacob and Amanda, fair skinned, light hair and blue eyes? Or, would he have dark eyes and lots of hair like Cameron did.  I wondered if we would get to see "her" this time.  Actually, this time, I was hoping that we would not see her.  The agency said that she was really eager to get out of the hospital.  It is probably because after each birth, they try to convince her to get her tubes tied.  She does not want to.  Her reasons are her own and no one should tell her how to feel, but I must say that at this point, I am concerned about her well being and how she can keep going through this. When we got to the hospital, we were greeted once again by an amazing nursing staff who was thrilled to see us.  As I was guided to the nursery, my heart rate went up at the anticipation of se...

Sherrie Eldridge: What Makes Adoptees Grow? : "Dear friends, Ever seen a rose that's been stricken by an unexpected frost begin to open? Leaves that were once damaged by the elements drop..."

Even though, I could hear the voice on the other end, the words were mumbled.  I was staring out the bay window in my kitchen, thinking to myself, "um, am I ready for whatever she is mumbling about right now?".  I pulled myself together and heard, "now, I don't want you to feel OBLIGATED to take this baby." It was now 2:03pm....5 minutes later and I still was in a panic and not hearing well.  I mean, I just came off of one of the worst months in my life and things are settling down....I have 3 beautiful children and my life is GREAT.  Honestly, for the first time since we started adopting babies from this birthmother, the thought crossed my mind........how many more will there be?  Is there an end?  Will I be adopting children for the next 15 years?  She is only 32 years old at this point.  Wow.  I asked for a little time to call Jerry and talk it over with him.  She said that we had about and hour and then they would start preparing t...

I was flipping through one of Amanda's baby journals this morning and came across a doosie of an entry.  I am so glad that I wrote this stuff down, because I forget about some cool and some not so cool stuff.  She was about 18 months old and we were in the middle of getting ready for a spring garage sale. Amanda Baby Journal entry dated April 2, 2006 - Amanda, you are digging all the preparations for our garage sale.  I put items in a box to sell, and you take them out when I am not looking and run them upstairs to your closet.  Parting with your baby items is tough for a little chickie.  I get it.  I tend to be a pack rat.  We are a family of five and busting out of this house.  I highly doubt that there will be any more brothers or sisters coming, so we need to get rid of all the baby stuff.  We just accepted an offer on the house and are waiting for the inspection.  I can't wait to see where we end up. ** Journal entry...

Amanda's Journal entry dated October 2005 -  Happy Birthday my little one year old.  I can't believe how fast it has all gone.  In summation of your first year of life, I would say that you are a happy little girl.  You simply adore your big brothers and you manage to keep up with them quite well.  You are TOUGH.  It takes a lot to make you cry.  I would  call you "feisty".  Quite demanding at times, but very determined to learn to do everything on your own.  You are a loving baby with lots of kisses to give.    Everyday when Daddy comes home, you are the first one in his arms at the door. It sure makes him smile.  You are very close to your Poppa B.  He adores you.  He and Grammy just love to have you for sleepovers.  I will tell you little girl, that through you, I have realized just how much that my Daddy must have adored me.  I really had never thought about it.  Watching the way tha...