Mommie or Bust ~ A Mother’s Journey Through Adoption

This is Love Kris Kroeker 2005 dedicated to my child's birthmom I know you love me You loved me from the start I know that you want the best for me I know this because you made a plan for me A plan so I would grow up with my mom and dad A mom and dad you knew would love me as much as you do I know it tore your heart apart to make this plan for me I know it hurt when you put me first I know that you feel the pain of empty arms I know that my pictures are spread across your walls to try and fill the hole You need to know that I was hurting too I felt the loneliness I felt the emptiness when my new parents held me When you were gone When I couldn't hear your familiar voice I was too little to put it into words, but I cried out for you I wanted YOU to hold me I wanted to hear YOUR voice But it didn't work that way Life gave me hurt and loneliness But you knew that your plan was good And that your love was bigger than the pain It would have been so e...

I know that when you are waiting for your time to come for finally becoming a mother, every day can seem like an eternity. Try to remember that there in no ticking time clock on becoming a mother. Motherhood knows no age. When you become a mother, it is forever. If, you don't lose heart through your waiting, your dream will come true. Embrace the journey. It is part of developing the kind of mother you will be. One who will appreciate the honor of motherhood.

When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

The Moment I recall first feeling like a Mom. The moment the light bulb went on for my hubby and I, was at our baby shower. Our son was one week old. Friends and family scrambled to throw us a shower, since our Jacob was a "baby drop"' we had no warning of his arrival. It was such and emotional day. At the end, my hubby arrived at the shower with Jacob so that people could meet him. What we didnt expect was the protective instincts that kicked in right away. We didn't want anyone to hold him. Upon the first request to hold, my hubby and I silently looked at each other and we knew we were in agreement. That was the moment that we knew we were Parents. I will never forget it.

PATCHWORK QUILT Our family’s like a patchwork quilt, With kindness gently sewn. Each piece is an original, With beauty of its own. With threads of warmth and happiness, It’s tightly stitched together. To last in love throughout the years, Our family is Forever.

Mom versus Christmas Present Closet It is my own damn fault. I start Christmas shopping in August every year. Yep, I am one of those. Trouble is, I have reached the point where I need to "get serious" about what I need to buy. With four kids, it can be overwhelming to "be fair", yet get what they want. I have repeatedly done the mad dash from trunk to closet, shoving the bags ANYWHERE, I can. My hubby won't even go near that closet. Says, he is better off not knowing. Lol. He's so smart. This morning, I tackled the closet. With my back issues,it took me over two hours to sort, list and repack in bins for each recipient. Ah...Order can be so therapeutic. Mom vs Christmas Closet.....MOM WON!

"Everyone who wants to do good to the human race always ends in universal bullying." This is a tough place to find yourself as a parent. We want to teach our children to go out into the world and make a difference. The reality is that they may be disappointed in the reception they receive. Will it discourage them? It discourages me sometimes. I was inspired. Most thought that it probably wouldn't work. I tried anyway. I guess , in some ways, they were right.

This unique day has many different meanings for people all over the world. For me, it marks the day, eleven years ago, when my prayers were finally answered. My son was born. Our first adoption. He is thriving. Yes, he has questions about his origin. We take it day by day and keep it on his terms. I am going through an educational period as an adoptive mom. He is my first, so everyday is a learning experience. I don't want to be one of those adoptive moms who wears blinders about their child's feelings of abandonment and how he needs to work through them. He is having a great childhood, but I realize that, that doesn't take away his feelings or longing for his heritage. I've read that kids worry that if they ask questions about their birth family, it will hurt their adoptive parents feelings. Sad. It doesn't hurt me. It would hurt him to feel that he couldn't VOICE his feelings. That is my focus right now. Being what he needs....emotionally. So, enjoy...

My kindergartener asked me this question this morning while eating his breakfast. "Mom, on the day that I was born, did Daddy's boss give him the day off to come meet me?". "Yes sir", I said. "That's AWESOME", he said. I adore his innocence.

I have spent so much time worrying about staying in tune with where my children are at emotionally in life and with their adoptions, that sometimes I forget to allow myself my OWN feelings. Watching #parenthood this week, I got lost in the scene where Kristina was giving birth and for just a moment, I felt envious. Why? The experience. That is all. Just the experience. I have everything else that comes with motherhood, but I don't have that experience of giving birth. That doesn't make me less of an adoptive mother, but just a realist. Trust me, I wouldn't change a thing. Just curious about the whole thing...you know?

As I have said in the past....my life changed a little over a year ago.  A family car accident. I don't look any different on the outside....which makes things challenging. Most of my injuries were neck, back , knees and closed head injury. Close friends see the differences, but if you didn't know me, then you wouldn't know that my processing center was affected. I forget words that used to flow freely. Short term memory loss. I have headaches everyday. I have nausea everyday. I have confusion. Light sensitivity. Blurred vision. Severe shoulder pain. Hip and neck, thoracic and low back pain. Oh, and did I forget traumatic stress? As if that is not enough, I can no longer run with my husband. No longer play golf with my friends. No longer play soccer with my kids. Until recently, I couldn't really venture out socially. We have attempted vacations, some were complete failures, some just disasters, some went fine. It depended on the level of activity. It has been a roug...

Hope is an image of goals planted firmly in your mind. When looking at life before you, hope lines the paths you find. Hope is a well of courage nestled deep within your heart. When faltering in fear and doubt, hope pushes you to start. Hope is an urge to keep going, for limbs too tired and weak. When apathy stills all desire, hope sparks the fuel you seek. Hope is a promise of patience, as you wait for distress to wane. When all you can do is nothing, hope pulls you through the pain. Hope is a spirit that lifts you should heaviness pull at your soul. When torn apart by losses, hope mends to keep you whole.

At every point in the human journey we find that we have to let go in order to move forward; and letting go means dying a little. In the process we are being created anew, awakened afresh to the source of our being.

I remember that crazy spring day that hubby and I  brought home our beautiful baby boy from the hospital.  Our fourth adoption.  Third boy.  I was a proud mommie.  Once again it was unexpected, but joyful.  He fit right in.  I remember when, at 5 weeks, my baby number four first slept through the night....like an angel.  Bliss ... I remember the time when my baby number four made the big leap to big boy underwear....NO More DIAPERS.  Yay!  My hubby and I were elated.   We had been doing diapers for 8 and a half years straight. For years, my fourth child walked up the long sidewalk of the preschool with me to drop off his brothers or sister, year after year waiting for his turn.  On the day he graduated from that preschool, I cried.  Not only because I was bubbling with pride , but it was the end of an era.  We would not walk up that sidewalk again.  Last kid, first day.  No...

I must share a great moment with you.  My nine year old, who is quite the intelligent child.... Lord knows, he didn't get it from me.  That is adoption humor, in case you are wondering. ha ha.   Anyways, he has had many questions lately.  They run the gamut from, "Am I Polish?" to ......"do birthmom's change their minds about adoption?".  Lately, I just wear my Adoptive Mom Armor and charge right in to the gauntlet of adoption questions from my children.  I joke, but, you have to.  A sense of humor is required for this job.  Anytime they ask if they can have "a private talk" at bedtime with me, I excuse myself briefly and run into my room, take a deep breath and then.....head back bedside.  I am not nervous about their questions, I just like to be relaxed when we have these talks.  As I said at the beginning, he is very smart and difficult to give vague answers to.  With him, I must be prepared for 20 questions and bucket loads o...

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someones hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back. Treasure it. - Unknown

It is the eve of my sixteenth wedding anniversary and I once again I am sitting here flipping through old journals.  I love doing that.  I suppose the reason that I love to do that is the same reason why am driven to journal in the first place.  I like to go back and read about the past and see how my life has changed, or how I have grown.  Life is busy and my hubby and I are in different worlds during the day.  He is in corporate and I am in...well, mommie-world.  Sometimes we meet at the end of the day and briefly give each other the once over and check for any obvious damage and then, we are swiftly torn into two different directions for the kids recreational portion of the day.  Swimming, soccer, basketball, well you know....life with kids.  I found an entry in one of my journals from April of 2010.  I found it interesting, mostly because, I was conflicted.  At the time I wrote this entry, I was going through a difficult time with w...

Postpartum depression is moderate to severe depression in a woman after she has given birth. It may occur soon after delivery or up to a year later. Most of the time, it occurs within the first 3 months after delivery http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004481/ Post Adoption Depression Syndrome    Your baby was more adorable in person than pictures. You and your husband never felt so thrilled and fulfilled as you held her in your arms on the flight home. Your ten-year quest for a child is finally over, you are a family now and forever. This little one is finally yours! One month later...... You feel anxious and depressed, but more often, simply overwhelmed. Some mornings you don't get dressed. You don't feel any great love for your child, and you can barely make it through your day. Even your husband doesn't understand. In your deepest, most private moments, you wish you could give your baby back. Sound familiar? There is so much information availabl...

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe things happen for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it .                                         Nobody said life would be easy,                            they just promised it would be worth it.

Bear Lake 2011 Do you see the joy on these two faces?  They have come a long way from those weary frowns worn years ago.  The time before our children found us.  These are the kinda smiles that you feel deep down in your soul.  The ones that you longed to feel for so long.  Nowadays, luckily they come quite easy with our four adopted children in our lives.   While still trying to recover from my auto accident, going on family vacations has been a struggle.  The family was really needing a getaway.  Something fun, but something that I could do without being miserable.  So, we went "Up North", as we like to call it around here.  We were minutes from Lake Michigan. Beautiful beaches, campfires, roasting marshmallows, catching fireflies, and even saw a movie at The Cherrybowl Drive-In. We slowed life down for just a little while.     Not once did the kids complain that the vacation was ...

 My ten year old is inching his way towards puberty and of course in his mind, I am a dork, he feels that I don't understand him and I am the root of all unrest in his life. My nine year old is currently struggling with insomnia. I don't know what to do about it. We have tried reading and everyone and their brother has a solution for us to try. So far nothing is working. He is a very emotional child and worries deeply about all who he loves. MY grandfather and my husbands grandmother are both struggling with their health, so he lays there worrying that when he wakes up, there could be bad news. He is very close to both of them. My six year old little missypoo is a handful. She is spunky. She of course knows way more than me. Lol.  She is a constant source of drama. All that said, I adore them all, but my little 5 year old is getting lost in this tornado of big brothers and big sister. He is desperately trying to get somebody's attention. When I tucked him in tonight, it ki...

Just a heartfelt thanks that I am sending out to all of my followers. So many of you have shared your stories with me and I feel quite honored. Thank you for the feedback when something in my writings has touched your heart, comforted you, or made you laugh. When I was going through my journey in the early days, I never imagined that down the road, I would meet so many that share my deepest, darkest pain, and yet share my greatest of hope for a family. I am so thankful for a place to share, and for those who share back. I intend to continue to share all that I experience, as my journey continues. I am not an expert and I won't ever claim to be. What I am is driven to be a great mom. I make mistakes and screw things up sometimes, but I never give up. I never stop trying to grow as a person, wife and mother. My son asked me today what I want to be remembered for. That really is tough to answer. Of course, I want to be remembered as a good mother. A good friend. A wife ...

Journal entry date July 2006 -Hey journal, its me again. My mind is racing tonight as my family sleeps. You know how I am. Things get stuck in my brain until resolution arrives. Talks with Jacob have been going well about his adoption. He is 6 now and we have moved to the next phase of sharing and talking about everything. He doesn't ask a lot of questions yet, but I am sure that will change as he grows older. I am trying to not be down about this. I knew going into adoption that I planned to be open with all of them. It is so hard. I sometimes, secretly feel like I want to be selfish and just tell them that they are mine all mine. That they came from my body. Not have to explain all of this hard stuff that is difficult for their little brains to handle. But....that is just a fantasy. I owe them "their truth". I am jealous of Moms sometimes that just have to deal with normal first grader life, not explaining such emotional issues at 6. Experts and adoptees seem to feel t...

If you have been following me for a while, then, you know the name Baby I . For those of you who are new followers, I will explain briefly. Baby I is the beautiful baby boy who was born after my youngest child Benjamin. He is a biological sibling of my children, who was adopted by a wonderful couple that we will call M and M . When Baby I came, we struggled with decision to adopt him. I won't go over all the details again, but if you want to read more about the decision, you can read my three post documentation of the story named "Dear Lord" in my archives. The year following Baby I's adoption by M and M , was very hard on me emotionally. I kept wondering if we did the right thing. My kids were so thrilled that we were having visits with Baby I and keeping in touch with his family, but I could see that it was hard on my two oldest as well. The first few visits were so bittersweet. When I held him, it felt wonderful to have my hands on him.  Sometimes, I fel...

A friend of mine went into labor last night.  It is so exciting.  Waiting to hear all the details.  It wasn't always that way.  I could never begin to know what labor feels like, obviously.  I have listened to many a story about it.  When mom's get together on the playground, they swap labor stories.  It used to be uncomfortable for me.  Never sure that anyone wants to hear my looooooooooooooong story.  Who wants to depress the mommie group?  Not me.  I hear so many moms say that they forget the morning sickness, cravings and how many hours their labor was.  I guess that it is kinda the same with adopting.  You can never really forget all of the heartache that you go through, but the pain does lessen.  When you finally have the ending to your story, then that is when the healing begins.  What you never lose, is the value that you put on parenting a child.  You've labored for ye...

I have 4 very cool children. Three growing boys and one little girl. If you were to ask the girl, she would tell you that, the boys rule the house. If you ask the boys, they would tell you that their sister is Queen of the Castle.  I of course, am the lowly servant who stays out of the way as often as possible. Our little missy was invited away to her grandmas for few days and the boys got big ideas on how to dominate mommies attention for an afternoon. They decided that today would be "mommie and sons DAY out".  I pulled up my bootstraps and we hit the road.  Cooler packed with drinkables and eatables, of course. We started out with them requesting to play games on my IPAD. Normally, that is a NO NO.  Never touch mommies IPAD.  I told them Ok, but I warned them not to breathe a word of it to "you know who" (daddikins would not approve).  As I drove, I heard laughing and boy banter.  If you have one of these things called boy, yo...

Sixteen years ago today, my lovely man surprised me with and invitation to spend the rest of my life with him. I accepted with girlish giddiness, of course. It was a Fourth of July celebration in which we had taken the opportunity to get our families together to get to know one another. We were considering taking the plunge into marriage, family, you know, the works.  I absolutely adored him. He was everything that I was hoping for.  Cool thing was.... he thought that I was sorta cool too. Anyways, he surprised me with a ring that day.    He Chose ME!   We got married two months later. We saw no reason to wait. We had a small gathering for our wedding day....our family only. It was perfect.  The next day we took off for Mackinac Island and spent 4 amazing days in a quiet, relaxing atmosphere.  I really couldn't believe that I had found "The One".  I can't ever find  anything.   I misplace everything.   Not him though...

The other day, we packed up the car and headed to my parents house, who live about 75 minutes from our home.  This was a drive that we have taken millions of times.  From as far back as I can remember, I would have to "plan" for the hour long trek, based on the ages of the kids at the time.  Music, snacks, drinks, DS's, and all of the paraphernalia that goes with that.  In the early years, I even kept a porta potty in there, since it is hard to stop for a potty break for one, if the other is sleeping.  Never wake a napping baby in the car.  You know what I mean. About a year ago, myself and 3 of my 4 kids were in a bad car accident.  It was scary.  Rear ended at 55 miles per hour.  We were stopped.  I have been through a lot with injuries and the kids have suffered some aches and pains due to that accident.  Still dealing with the lingering injuries, I am bitter about the whole accident, as I have had knee surgery, and the knee fe...