Friday, January 28, 2011

Two Mommies

I wanted to share something with you that I learned over the past 10 years of raising Jacob.  I did not realize the mistake that I made until he was about 6 years old.  Jacob is a sensitive child, who is very hard on himself.  He expects perfection from himself in everything that he does.  I began telling Jacob that he was adopted from an early age.  Around the age of 3-4, I would just bring the word adoption up and use it as much as possible, so that he would learn the meaning of the word adoption.  The first time he asked me about growing in my tummy was when my sister in law was pregnant and he was understanding that a baby was in her tummy.  I told him that he had 2 mommies.  One mommy made him in her tummy and gave him his life and the other mommy (me) is teaching him how to live it and loving him through it.  I told him that both mommies are important, and that God brought us together as a team to be everything that he needed.  He liked that.  I   explained that she picked us and was very happy that we would be his parents.  My point in starting early with this process was so that he never remembers ever thinking that he wasn't adopted.  You don't want to create this huge moment that they remember forever as the time you basically turned their world upside down.  Most of us don't remember back farther than 4 or 5.  I learned all of this in the book, that I referred to yesterday, "Twenty things Adopted kids wish their Adoptive parents knew."  In the book, adoptees express that their hardest moment was when their parents sat them down and told them that what they thought to be true,  was all a "lie".  Can you imagine that.  Fortunately, I got to learn from other peoples mistakes, but as I said, I made a few of my own.  As Jacob would ask more questions, it made me feel good to share with him that, he was a "miracle" for Dad and I.  I told him, that he was an "answer to our prayers."  Whoa!! Back up the cart. This all sounded like a good idea, but what I learned was that it had become a bit of a burden for his little mind.  Too much for him to understand.  He wanted to be this perfect little everything for me.  I think that I made him feel a lot of pressure to be "my everything".  It was not fair to him.  Thankfully, when I realized the error of my ways, I was able to sit down and discuss it with him.  Kids need very little information at a time.  When they ask questions about where they came from or about their birth family, just answer the questions that they ask, nothing more.  Later in this blog, I will share with you a very special story about Jacob in the 3rd grade and how he surprised me with just how well adjusted he is about being adopted. 

I have added a contact me button for anyone that wants to tell me their story in confidence.  I love hearing them.  It is amazing the stories that I have heard from birth families, adoptees, and adoptive parents.  It takes a village.

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