One step closer

My post today is not from any journal entry, but from my memory.  I remember the day that we went to court for Jacob's birthmothers hearing for relinquishing her rights.  I was so full of emotion.  We really didn't have to be there, but she requested it.  She wanted to see him.  Naturally, I had mixed emotions.  On one hand, I wanted to see her as well, and make sure that she was doing ok and that she still felt confident about her decision.  Let's face it.....he is her biological child and who knows what kind of emotions she is having.  On the other hand, honestly, I wanted to dye my hair and go into hiding on the outside chance that she wanted him back.  (I wouldn't really do that).  For three weeks I had cared for and loved on this child 24/7 and bonded deeply with him.  My protective instincts were in high gear.  It was so nerve racking.  We were in the hallway at the court, waiting for her and our social worker to arrive and when I saw her walking up, I got that feeling that you get when your emotions are swirling inside.  You know that heat that rises up inside you and even your ears are hot from nerves??   Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and her face looked bright and fresh.  She smiled.  She has a beautiful smile.  When her case was called, we waited outside the court room.  The judge was hard on her.  Yes, judges are hard on birthmothers.  Imagine that you are making the right decision to give your child what you can not and then going through all the pain of giving the child up and then the judge beats you over the head with it.  My heart went out to her.  Jerry and I were and always will be very protective of her.  Her sacrifice enables us our dream.  She will always have our respect.  We feel that respecting her is respecting Jacob and where he came from.  You can't take that away from him.  She will forever be his birthmother and that may mean something to him someday.  Anyways, once she exited the courtroom, we all entered a small room where we could visit.  She did not say much, but you could see that she was full of emotion.  I asked her if she would like to hold him.  She said yes.  She was very sweet with him.  As she held him she turned her back to me to answer a question from the social worker and I turned to talk to Jerry.  Then, she did the most reassuring thing....she turned back my way and said, "he's trying to see you Amy, he hears his Momma's voice".  I felt tears welling up inside of me.  I needed that moment.  She is committed to her decision.  One step closer to peace in my heart.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

SHOCK!

Journal entry dated November 11, 2000 - I am still in SHOCK.  Shaking. My stomach feels like I am in an airplane and we are experiencing turbulence.  Today is Veterans Day and since Jerry had the day off, we decided to go hang out with Jerry's parents and maybe do a little Christmas shopping.  We were sitting on the couch chatting when the phone rang.  My mother in law answered it and came around the corner from the kitchen and whispered to me, "its the adoption agency".  She says, "they said they have been looking for you".  I told her to "RELAX, we finished our home study yesterday and they probably have a question for us." I picked up the phone and said "Hello".  The next few minutes, I would be silent and frozen in my footsteps, for fear that I may be misunderstanding our Social workers words.  "We have a baby boy here at the hospital and the mother has selected you and Jerry to become the adoptive parents."  Not sure that I ...
Read more

Dear Birthmother

I am going to share a very personal letter with you today.  This letter came from my heart.  It is our "Dear Birthmother" letter.   This was a very challenging letter to write.  I was trying to keep in mind how a birth mother would be feeling as she read our letter and what words would comfort her as she made, what seemed to me, to be an impossible decision.  We couldn't possibly understand where each other was coming from, but I felt that there had to be some common ground for us to meet.  The agency told us that you never know what one peice of information may draw a birth mother to you, so we should be thorough and full of detail.  This is our letter. Dear Birthmother, Selecting a future home and family for your child is a very difficult and important decision.  We greatly respect and appreciate your need to know about us and the kind of home that we would provide for your child.  By gaining some insight i...
Read more

My Mommy

Image
Today is a celebration of mothers everywhere.  I am blessed with an amazing mother as well as a lovely mother in law who treats me as if I were her own.  The list is long and endless on how many great things that I could say about my mommy, but I want to share the most important thing that she ever gave me as mother.  No matter what the time of my life or the situation that we were in, my mother always listened with an open heart.   In my mind, I could not surprise her with the level of mischief that I would get into.  I could not say anything mean enough to rattle her.  No sex question through her off guard.  She was my rock.  I am sure that inside she wanted to lambaste me a few times, but she always exhibited great self control.  I admire her for that, because as a mother, I now know just how hard that was.  Through the years, I must say that I challenged her self control quite a bit, especially in the 15 -17 year ...
Read more