Dive In

Journal entry dated November 10, 2000 - We finished our home study with the Social worker this week.  We are just waiting for our background checks to come through and Jerry and I still need to get our physicals.  It's just a matter of waiting now.  Who knows how long it will take....I'm still thinking about going back to work while we wait.  I won't go back to the corporate world....I hated it.  It is so hard to get in that mode of thinking when all that I really want is to be a mother and live all that comes with that.  I am just glad that we have our agency and we have moved along through the process in order to get closer to the building of our family.  It hasn't been easy.  Jerry has his guard up.  I can't do anything about that.  He worries someone will take advantage of us somewhere along the way.  This is unchartered territory for us and the world of adoption seems so unregulated.  My gut tells me that we are in good hands with Forever Families.  This is one of those times that you just dive in and hope for the best.  My heart keeps hoping that a baby will come soon.  I have experienced many different levels of emotional pain in my life, this heartbreak is such a deep ache that never goes away, even when I am not thinking about it, it is still there lurking beneath life's daily challenges .  I look at little faces different than I did five years ago.  All of this has changed me.  I see the twinkle in the eyes of every child that I meet....maybe, had I not lived this painful 5 years, I wouldn't have noticed that?  I read something once that has always stuck with me.  I don't remember where I read it, but it said, "the best gift that you can give your child everyday is that when they walk in the room...let them see your eyes light up with excitement." This, I will do.  Thanks for listening.