Friday, January 7, 2011

Cut to the Chase

I'll cut to the chase and tell that we did go on to do the 2nd ICSI in May of 1999 and unfortunately, there was no pregnancy from the procedure.  I was very deflated to say the least, but through the grace of God and a loving supportive family, I survived.  I tried really hard everyday to stay out of the "Why Me" frame of mind.  Anyone who has gone through years of trying and failing, tends to get caught up in that.  I can't say that I didn't fall into it quite a bit myself, but I am here to say that time does heal.  Our doctors said that they recommended that we try again since we had one success.  SUCCESS?  Are you looking at my file MISTER.  That was the "reactionary" part of me lashing out.  I do tend to be a reactionary person, but I must say that having 4 children has helped me tighten the reigns on that.  Again, I am a work in progress.

For me, it was an emphatic NO.  I will not go through it again.  I needed time.  Even before that last ICSI, I had started looking into adoption.  Just to familiarize myself with the World of Adoption.  It was a bit scary, unregulated fees, and procedures, court costs and red tape.  Oy!  Was I up for this???????

In May 2000 doctors approached us about trying a few more inseminations which were much less invasive,less expensive and not as emotionally traumatizing.  We considered this.  Even after all of the tests and procedures done on Jerry and I, we were still classified as "Unexplained Infertility".  Really????  All the money that we had spent and all that we had gone through, there were still no guarantees, no affirmative answers.  I was emotionally spent.  Jerry just wanted me to be happy and he would go along with whatever I decided.  "It's your body and you have to go through it, so you decide", is what he would say.  So, in June of 2000 I half heartedly agreed to try inseminations for 6 months. Then, we're DONE!


Journal entry dated August 5, 2000 - Dear God.  I am sitting here in the parking lot of the doctor.  I know that I agreed to do 6 months of these inseminations, but as I sit here after just taking the blood test to find out if the 3rd one will be the one that takes, I find that I don't even care.  I feel calm and I feel that my perspective is clear.  I am ready to move on and adopt babies.  I believe that my heart is healing and for some reason I realized that I have thought that in order to adopt, I would have to give up on the dream of Jerry and I having a biological child and accept that I would never experience pregnancy and having a baby. I am beginning to realize that I could do both. Anyways, God (sorry for the rambling, I will get to the point).  Please give me the strength to move through this adoption process with patience and grace.  I am ready for what the process brings me in whatever shape or form that may be.  Jerry and I welcome the possibility of having a real family.  Thanks for listening.
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Journal entry 2 dated August 5, 2000 - I got this overwhelming feeling tonight to get things in order with the Adoption agency.  The feeling was that the baby meant for Jerry and I may already be well on the way.  In August 2000, we signed up with Forever Families in Novi, (www.forever-families.org/). So I am working hard on the scrapbook that we have to compile for birthmothers to  look at in order to select a couple whom she would like to raise her child.  Yes, she picks YOU!  Like and interview of sorts.  Most important interview of our lives.  JOB: Parents. I like the sound of that.
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I have always believed in listening to my instincts, because most of the time, I have been right.  So, I bought a baby blanket at Meijer that I had looked a million times and I was so nervous.  The cashier said, Oh, are we going to a baby shower.  Nervously, I said, I hope so.  She looked at me funny, but I didn't explain.  I had refused to buy ANYTHING until we were selected, but my instincts were screaming at me.....BUY IT!!!!!  I went home and put it "way" back in the closet of the "future" baby's room.  Now, on to the details of adopting.  Oh and by the way that blood test, was negative.  Then End of That stuff!

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