Tuesday, January 25, 2011

One step closer

My post today is not from any journal entry, but from my memory.  I remember the day that we went to court for Jacob's birthmothers hearing for relinquishing her rights.  I was so full of emotion.  We really didn't have to be there, but she requested it.  She wanted to see him.  Naturally, I had mixed emotions.  On one hand, I wanted to see her as well, and make sure that she was doing ok and that she still felt confident about her decision.  Let's face it.....he is her biological child and who knows what kind of emotions she is having.  On the other hand, honestly, I wanted to dye my hair and go into hiding on the outside chance that she wanted him back.  (I wouldn't really do that).  For three weeks I had cared for and loved on this child 24/7 and bonded deeply with him.  My protective instincts were in high gear.  It was so nerve racking.  We were in the hallway at the court, waiting for her and our social worker to arrive and when I saw her walking up, I got that feeling that you get when your emotions are swirling inside.  You know that heat that rises up inside you and even your ears are hot from nerves??   Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and her face looked bright and fresh.  She smiled.  She has a beautiful smile.  When her case was called, we waited outside the court room.  The judge was hard on her.  Yes, judges are hard on birthmothers.  Imagine that you are making the right decision to give your child what you can not and then going through all the pain of giving the child up and then the judge beats you over the head with it.  My heart went out to her.  Jerry and I were and always will be very protective of her.  Her sacrifice enables us our dream.  She will always have our respect.  We feel that respecting her is respecting Jacob and where he came from.  You can't take that away from him.  She will forever be his birthmother and that may mean something to him someday.  Anyways, once she exited the courtroom, we all entered a small room where we could visit.  She did not say much, but you could see that she was full of emotion.  I asked her if she would like to hold him.  She said yes.  She was very sweet with him.  As she held him she turned her back to me to answer a question from the social worker and I turned to talk to Jerry.  Then, she did the most reassuring thing....she turned back my way and said, "he's trying to see you Amy, he hears his Momma's voice".  I felt tears welling up inside of me.  I needed that moment.  She is committed to her decision.  One step closer to peace in my heart.

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