Wednesday, May 11, 2011

He is Waiting

Upon returning home from preschool, I knew that the agency was waiting to hear from me. One comment they made during that pivotal phone call, was that, I shouldn't feel obligated. Obligated???? Obligated never entered my mind. In my heart, that baby belonged with us. You have to remember that at this point, I have only known about this baby for about an hour. My husband made his feelings clear. The only way that I would get over that stumbling block, would be to tell him, that regardless of his feelings, I can't walk away from this baby. He would do it. But at what cost? I value my marriage greatly. No, he would never leave the marriage because of something like this, but I don't want to do anything that would be unhealthy for our well being as a couple. We have been through a lot together on this journey, and I know that we still have great things ahead of us.

I set Ben and Amanda up watching a video and headed for the phone. At this point, my heart is begrudgingly starting to listen to my head. I called the agency back and asked them about M&M. I was told that, they are not sure that M&M are ready to dive back in yet. They have been terribly hurt. M&M are still in the adoption pool, but they are very leary, they told me. Who could blame them? What a gut wrenching experience for them.

I hung up with the agency after telling them that I needed just another half hour to sort through my thoughts before I officially decline to adopt this baby. Amanda and Benny were giggling with the Wiggles and had no clue that mommy was upset.

I kept praying for strength. I could feel Him, he was there with me. I fell to my knees in my foyer. My body crumpled to the floor. The tears gushed out of me and I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "I CANNOT WALK AWAY! I had not experienced this kind of emotional pain since my miscarriage. I knew that once the decision was made to bring another family in, that would be it. There would be no turning back.

You must know, that as strongly as I knew that I could not walk away, I knew that I was not capable of going through another infancy. I was at my limit mentally and emotionally. The intensity of the emotion for both decisions was swirling inside me until I just lay there on the floor lifeless fully surrendering this to my Lord. I cried until I was empty...and then I got up, walked to the phone, dialed the agency and said, "We will not be adopting this baby, but please let the family that is chosen know that my husband and I and our four children, would love to be a part of his life, if they are willing". I hung up the phone. One hour later my phone rang was M&M calling.....


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