Sunday, May 8, 2011

My Heart Won't Surrender

I hung up the phone and for a moment, my brain was paralyzed. What do I do? Amanda is at school and needs to be picked up in one hour. Who do I call first? My mom or Jerry? I know that probably sounds crazy, but my mom has a way of bringing me down to a place where I can think clearly. So, I dialed her up and said the same thing to her, that I said the 4 other times that I made this phone call to her. "Hello Mom, are you sitting down?" She immediately knew what was up. I could hear the fear in her voice, because she knew that this time would be very hard. She knew that I needed to be done with adopting more children, but she knew me. She knew that I would want to adopt this little boy. He is apart of my amazing little babies. He is their brother. My mind and heart were racing. I could literally feel the blood raging through my veins. Why? My heart says yes. My head says no. My husband will say NO!

I listened closely to  the words that mom was saying to me, "how do you know when she will stop having babies"? "Are you done, when she is done.... or can you decide when YOU are done? I heard the words, but I had no answer. Our birthmother is in her mid thirties. She could feasibly have babies for 10 more years.

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"Hello Honey!" he said.  I paused, before I said...."you are not on an escalator, are you?" He laughed.  He knew.   I said, "no joking, honey, there is another baby".  He paused for one moment but the silence seemed like five minutes, then he said, "we can't honey"........I know, I said. 

If you knew Jerry, you would know that, those 3 little words were not easy for him to say to me.  He is the "level headed" one in this marriage, and I am the one who will try to save the world. 


That is it. He has played his hand. Now I have to figure out how to accept this and how on earth I can go through this life not knowing where this child will end up. We hung up and I grabbed Benny and we headed to pick up Amanda. Tears were gushing down my face.  Benny was singing in the backseat and oblivious to the fact that I was living my most feared moment since we began to adopt.  My head was saying to pull it together.  My heart wasn't giving up yet. 

1 comment:

  1. i actually have a clue as to what you mean & what you feel in this situation. we have 3 boys- i gave birth to the first 2 & didn't even know i would consider it or needed it- but - he was our baby - i loved him before i met him - it's a long story, but our birth mother has had another also- i would save them all too- if only i could! my 9 year old caught me reading a blog from an african orphanage & very seriously asked "we're not going to end up going to the middle of nowhere in africa to run an orphanage- are we?" i don't think he liked the idea! :)

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