Mommie or Bust ~ A Mother’s Journey Through Adoption

Days like today, remind me of all that I have come through in my quest for motherhood. Memorial Day has always been a tradition for my family. We always attend our community parade, which brings out thousands of people. War veterans, servicemen, red, white and blue every where you look. The kids decorate their bikes and ride in the parade. Brownie, Daisy and Boy Scout troops proudly march to the beat of our very own high school band. The tap dancing elderly ladies, (that was new this year). Baseball teams and County fair princess in decorated floats line the streets. I can't forget all the local firetrucks as well, blowing those horns. I love it. Every hot, sticky moment of it. Families everywhere. The smell of hot dogs, and fresh popped popcorn wafting through the heavy summer air. Tattooed little faces show their Memorial Day Spirit. I look around at all the familiar faces and some not so familiar faces, but all were there to celebrate our heroes and share in the p...

Enjoy your families as you celebrate and honor the heroes of our country. I wish you a very happy and safe weekend.

 Defending Your Heart  Just wanted to follow up with how my talk with Jacob went.  I didn't get into it in my last post, since my Mama Bear Instincts were in full swing.  He fully understands after our talk that his birthparents were not bad people.  I focused on the explanation that, many people in the world do not understand adoption.  I told him that through out his life he will experience many comments from people that may not sound "right" to him.  That is when I decided to explain it in terms I thought that he could relate to. Soccer Goalie.   In goal, your job is to defend the goal.  You can catch the ball and toss or kick it back on the field.  Meaning, receive the comment and respond appropriately. In goal, you can use your body to bounce the ball  back onto the field.   Meaning, ignore the comment and walk away.  In goal, if the ball scores on you, you pick yourself up and get back in the game.  Mean...

Sitting in Starbucks in downtown Ann Arbor this morning. I had some testing done today. It is exhausting to go through brain testing. I had no idea. I can't get my conversation with my Jacob out of my head. Yesterday, he asked me to tell him "the truth" about why he was adopted. I asked him "what do you mean truth?" Does he think that I have been untruthful? Quite frankly, this was not the best time for an in-depth conversation, as we were headed to the swim house for my Cameron's swim tryouts. But, as I have mentioned before, you have to seize the moment when your adopted child comes to you, because it is so hard to get them to talk when you are in a more "appropriate" moment. Anyways, he said that he wondered what the "real" reason was...my mind started racing, because you have to keep the conversation age appropriate, as well as informational. I try to ask questions of him to isolate the core reason for him asking the qu...

Kids go through so many things on a daily basis that challenge their confidence.  It is like a rollercoaster ride.  Some days, I think that I am not doing enough to help build my children's confidence in being adopted.  But at times, I worry that I am trying too hard and should just SHUT UP.  My 10 year old son J is quite good at letting me know the latter.  Its a look.  When I see that look, I just shrink and try to remember that I am an adoptive mother, but I can't possibly KNOW what it feels like to BE ADOPTED.  We can't just live in the glow of the 'wonderfulness of the adopting".  We must live in the reality of who they are and how much ...being adopted will define them.   Yesterday, I caught a glimpse of the complexity of this process.  My son did not want me to wear my "Adoption Rocks" sweatshirt to his soccer game. Two months ago, he thought it was a "sweet" sweatshirt.  I have always worn it proud...

Summer  2009 Our family is constantly evolving. The kids absolutely adore their birth brother who happens to have a different mommy and daddy. We are getting to know him and his lovely parents on a regular basis. Baby I has become an important part of my children's future and he shares the same past. Fortunately for us, M&M share the same feelings as Jerry and I do, about keeping them all together...forever. I won't lie. It has been difficult in many ways. Baby I could be my Amanda's twin. Not only in their looks, but in their spirits. They both have a fire burning inside of them to live life with gusto. The kids had a tough time as well after the first few visits. They wanted to take him home with us every time....me too.   Over time they have accepted things as they are, and they couldn't love him more. M&M and Baby I have become family to all of us.  Secretly, I hope for another baby to come for M&M. I know that sounds crazy, but then...

In the days that followed M&M taking Baby I home to be their son, never in my life had I leaned on my faith that God would carry me through more.  Everyday moving forward became easier to accept that he was theirs to keep.  My moment had passed.  He would not be mine.  But I wondered if I would ever really let go.  Only time would tell.  In the first few months, I kept busy, trying not to think of him.  No one really knows just how much that I pained over that decision.  That little boy will forever hold a special place in my heart.  I tried to find ways to keep it in perspective.  I kept in touch with M&M by phone and she sent pictures to us.  He was growing fast and he resembled my Amanda so much.  I saw quite a bit of my Jacob in him as well.  They are all so beautiful.  M&M are a beautiful loving couple and my hope for this baby could not have turned out better.  He has love.  He has brought...

October 2008 One of the most awkward moments of my life.  I picked up the phone, my hands were shaking. I heard this very nervous voice say, "Hi, this is Monica's friend".  The agency went ahead and put M&M in the group of families that were shown to our birthmother.  They told me that if she chooses them for one of her top three, then they can mention to her that we have a connection to that family.  She chose them.  When M&M called me, they were on their way to the hospital to see the baby.  It felt weird.  I wanted to tell her a million things, but I have never met this woman and I've been on that car ride to the hospital when your mind is racing and you are realizing the magnitude of how your life is about to change drastically.  So, advice from this crazy woman (me), is the last thing you need.   All that I needed to do really, was to comfort her in her place of fear, mixed with excitement.  We talked for ...

Upon returning home from preschool, I knew that the agency was waiting to hear from me. One comment they made during that pivotal phone call, was that, I shouldn't feel obligated. Obligated???? Obligated never entered my mind. In my heart, that baby belonged with us. You have to remember that at this point, I have only known about this baby for about an hour. My husband made his feelings clear. The only way that I would get over that stumbling block, would be to tell him, that regardless of his feelings, I can't walk away from this baby. He would do it. But at what cost? I value my marriage greatly. No, he would never leave the marriage because of something like this, but I don't want to do anything that would be unhealthy for our well being as a couple. We have been through a lot together on this journey, and I know that we still have great things ahead of us. I set Ben and Amanda up watching a video and headed for the phone. At this point, my heart is begru...

I must have called Jerry at least 2 more times before I got to the preschool. There was no hiding that there was something wrong, but I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, because, I would break down. I grabbed Amanda and bolted out the door, but before I could get into the car, a mom friend stopped me and asked what was wrong. All I could get out was "there is another baby and I don't know what to do". Then, I jumped in the car. Before I even got out of the parking lot, my cell phone was ringing and as I looked down at the caller ID, I saw my very wonderful friends name. We will call her Monica. I picked it up immediately, since she has been there with me through 3 of my 4 adoptions and has been a great source of comfort for years. "I heard" was all she said. Wow. Now that is what I call News traveling fast. The mom in the parking lot called Monica immediately. I broke down at the sound of her voice. She listened, as good friends do. She ...

Today is a celebration of mothers everywhere.  I am blessed with an amazing mother as well as a lovely mother in law who treats me as if I were her own.  The list is long and endless on how many great things that I could say about my mommy, but I want to share the most important thing that she ever gave me as mother.  No matter what the time of my life or the situation that we were in, my mother always listened with an open heart.   In my mind, I could not surprise her with the level of mischief that I would get into.  I could not say anything mean enough to rattle her.  No sex question through her off guard.  She was my rock.  I am sure that inside she wanted to lambaste me a few times, but she always exhibited great self control.  I admire her for that, because as a mother, I now know just how hard that was.  Through the years, I must say that I challenged her self control quite a bit, especially in the 15 -17 year ...

I hung up the phone and for a moment, my brain was paralyzed. What do I do? Amanda is at school and needs to be picked up in one hour. Who do I call first? My mom or Jerry? I know that probably sounds crazy, but my mom has a way of bringing me down to a place where I can think clearly. So, I dialed her up and said the same thing to her, that I said the 4 other times that I made this phone call to her. "Hello Mom, are you sitting down?" She immediately knew what was up. I could hear the fear in her voice, because she knew that this time would be very hard. She knew that I needed to be done with adopting more children, but she knew me. She knew that I would want to adopt this little boy. He is apart of my amazing little babies. He is their brother. My mind and heart were racing. I could literally feel the blood raging through my veins. Why? My heart says yes. My head says no . My husband will say NO! I listened closely to  the words that mom was saying to me, "how do ...

After standing there for a while, I was realizing that the dilemma was not going to go away.  My first thoughts were, that, if there was a baby......I had already been thinking about all of this, just in case.  I had become more and more secure in the decision that we were done adopting children.  Our family is complete.  That said, I know myself, and if there is another baby, my first instincts are to hop in the car and run down to that hospital to claim that baby for my own.  After all, if their birthmother does not want to mother the baby, of course, it is mine.  Right?  In my heart YES, but in reality, the baby is no one's....yet.   So, I picked it up....I squeaked out a shaky " hello".   "Hello Amy."  I sat down in my favorite kitchen chair and listened to the words.......baby boy.  I know that I must have looked like a mannequin, I didn't move.  My body was stiff as a board.  The tension se...

I was standing in the kitchen just looking at my phone.  This phone and I had become long time friends.  You see, this is how I find out that my next child is waiting for me.  Mother's who deliver their babies, hear the doctor say, "it's a girl"or "boy".  This phone has become the messenger in the delivery of my four children.  Everytime I arrive home, I check the caller ID.  I do it unconsciously.  Especially after my youngest child passes 18  months. So, when I looked at those familiar letters on that ID and read......Forever Families Adoption Agency....I took a step back and literally stared at the phone.  As long as I stood there, then nothing has changed, right? The moment that I pick it up, I will be thrown into mayhem.  I couldn't move.  My body would NOT walk back to that phone.  My knees were wobbly and the bottom to my stomach dropped.  Benny was playing in the floor in the living room.  I looked at him...

Journal Entry dated October 28, 2008 - Dear Lord...I need your help more than ever before.  The pain is unbearable.  I am not sure how to proceed.  Lead me. ** It has taken me awhile to get to the point that I could share this part of my story. While on my road to mommyhood, there have been many trials and tribulations.  The most difficult moment in the whole journey, came on the day after celebrating my daughters fourth birthday.  I was at my daughters preschool, dropping her off for the afternoon.  Benny and I went home to try to get him down for a nap.  The nap never happened.

If I had been able to be pregnant and deliver a child, I know that I would have taken the utmost care during my pregnancy.  Eat right.  Do everything the doctors told me. Prenatal vitamins, etc.  That is why it is so hard to not get frustrated about the fact that my kids weren't given their best shot at a healthy life, by starting in the womb.  Our birthmother did not seek prenatal care throughout her pregnancies with all four of my kids.  Like I said, I can't dwell on it, because I had no control, but it is a source of anguish when I know that some difficulties, that they are dealing with,  may have stemmed from the pregnancy care.  Fortunately, there hasn't been anything serious, with the exception of Jacobs SPD (Sensory Process Disorder) and Benny's Asthma.  He deals with Virus Induced Asthma.  We have had 9 visits to the ER for Asthma, 2 bouts of RSV, one hospitalization with RSV and Pneumonia and endless battles with medic...

Today, my baby turned 5.  UnBeLiEvAbLe.  I never saw myself getting here this fast.  I know, I know everyone said it would come.  Years ago, when I was hunkered down in the trenches with a 5yr, 4 yr, 18month old  and a newborn all at the same time, sanity looked so far off in the distance, that it was difficult to imagine this time.  Its here.  In the fall, all four will be in school.  Today, I took him out to lunch to his favorite place and we stopped to get a treat.  I was looking for the right moment to begin my "5 year old, step 2 adoption discussion".  We are at step 2.  When they are 4, I discuss the word adoption with them and keep it simple for most of that year.  At 5, I ask them what they think adoption is, based on their years experiences.  He did pretty good with his explanation, which tells me that he has been absorbing our talks.  Here's how it went..... I asked, "So, Benny, do you ...